Wendy's Blog

Dear Wendy and fellow survivors, I so need to “share my story” with you but, having read your warning below the “Your Story of Healing” and underneath “Want to include a photo?” just underneath the bit in blue italics about agreeing to your “Terms and Conditions”, am literally terrified someone will be able to identify me. I don’t know where to begin, there’s so much. I think, for safety, will just explain ‘where am at’ now. Am now disabled due to numerous violent assaults, most specifically the attacks were on my back, which triggered a chronic, disabling, agonising, neurological illness called Fibromyalgia Syndrome. The traumatic experiences have suffered in the past also triggered the chronic and very distressing mental/psychological illness complexPost Traumatic Stress Disorder in me. i have been on a 3yrs 5months and 3days waiting list for desperately needed psychotherapy which I am hoping will somehow help me in coming to terms with the disabling, very painful, exhausting and life-changing/limiting effects of both illnesses. I am also an adult survivor of child sexual abuse (as well as emotional, mental, physical abuse, in actual fact it was abuse on every level possible) It started when I was four years old (only months after my father suddenly died) and ended when i was aged ten yrs old (when menstruation prematurely began). When I was in mid-twenties another traumatic dreadful thing happened when I was seriously physically assaulted and raped, the police released the perpetrators so, therefore, they were never brought to justice. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get closure or any semblance of ‘peace of mind’ about this or the ensuing domestic violence i went on to suffer after the previous attacks. I constantly live in fear, am hypervigilant 24/7, have uncontrollable vivid, terrifying, horror-filled flashbacks which means i relive the every sickening detail of all the attacks over and over again, nightmares when I wake myself up screaming (my poor neighbours!!). i have deep and crushing and despairing depression, off the scale anxiety and daily panic attacks, am an insomniac, i use self-harming as a way of coping with my out of control pain and the horrendous memories.. I have very high blood pressure, and several other chronic medical illnesses other than severe fibromyalgia syndrome and M.E. Have become so disabled that am now housebound, apart from venturing out for important appointments with GP or at the main large hospital some 35 miles away. I am divorced twice over and have two wonderful sons, one from each failed marriage. Amazingly, they are growing into well-balanced, successful, intelligent, compassionate, mentally strong lovely young men (sorry am biased here!: I am so very proud of them both in equal measures) m I honestly don’t know how they have each become such wonderful people with a mother like me. I am sure have failed them as a, financially very challenged, single parent and latterly a Mum who has gradually become more and more disabled and ill. I don’t know who to turn to for help, understanding of my personally very complex mental and physical illnesses, for advice, treatment/therapy. As mentioned, am on a long, long waiting list for some form of psychotherapy to enable me to cope with the cPTSD. I feel as though every day am in ‘crisis’ psychologically. The physical ill-health problems I have impact so very heavily and painfully on my mental and emotional ill-health and visa versa. UK drs don’t seem to have an understanding of cPTSD, FMS,M.E and are reluctant to treat me. I am never violent, always polite and courteous to them, but for some reason they are unwilling to help me, offer me therapies/treatments or refer me to the appropriate consultants. I do not know why they are so unwilling to treat me. I live alone so never have anyone with me during gp consultations. Our health system is in crisis here, but as a patient so am i!!! Really don’t know what to do, who to turn to. It was so lovely when Wendy’s message popped up on the screen today, thank you Wendy. Please accept my sincerest condolences for your devastating and tragic loss of your two beautiful children Wendy. You are truly a very special person indeed to be helping others after everything you have been through and will always go through as a loving Mum. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART Wendy. My deepest appreciation to you also for taking the time to read this message to you and your Team. Namaste’


Posted in by Wendy.

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