Of course, there are no words. The anguish, the rawness, the shock – how could this happen in our country…again.
The lives of everyone directly involved are changed forever. The reverberation in all our compassionate hearts around the country and around the world is profound, touching, humbling, and so very sad. It is a reminder that the world is really just one big tribe. Watched President Obama’s touching, tear-inducing speech from the 14th.
These things bring up the existential questions:
Why do bad things happen? To good people, to innocent people, to little kids?
How can a just or loving God allow such things to happen?
And other questions:
What was wrong with the shooter – how could anyone do that?
What must his family and friends be thinking and feeling now? Surely they are in a whole different kind of horror.
When terrible events like this occur in the world, I believe it is a visceral reminder to those who have ears to hear to not just treat those we know and love with more kindness, but to go out of our way to be kind and loving even to those people on the fringe of our society. One never knows what burdens another person bears.
Let this tragedy be a reminder to those of us who are not directly affected to be more giving, more inclusive, more loving and more patient with everyone we encounter.
Love to all who are suffering, from this tragedy and so many others around the world – public, private and personal.
So let’s say you finally figure out what you want…want to do with your life, your career. Or what you want to own. Or whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. And then suddenly, SPLAT! Your life hits a brick wall. Everything you thought was right is now over. Just like that.
Plan B must be found, whether you like it or not. And chances are, if you’re human, you do not.
Does hitting the proverbial brick wall mean you were heading the wrong direction?
What about the common rah-rah that if you hit a brick wall, it’s just life testing to see if you will figure out a way over it?
Here’s my theory: a brick wall splat is life saying politely, “Ahem. Now that I have your attention, let’s take a moment to think this through.”
I hate that. But if you mix in a little Buddhism, a little Present Moment Awareness stuff, rather than just pick yourself up and start trying to chisel through the wall, or worse, giving up and walking away with your tail between your legs, then what would have? You’d have maturity. Intelligence.
The only way you’ll know if this Splat! means “Wrong way, pal!” or “Try harder to prove you really want it” or some message in between is if you..heaven forbid…step back and look at this obstacle – and the goal toward which you were rushing headlong – from a peaceful place, from another perspective, from a wider vantage point.
Of course, there are lots of ways to gain perspective. Ask wise friends. Journal about it. Sit quietly (preferably in nature) and review your actions and the outcome you’ve attained. Breathe. Let your brain flit.
Once you have a broader perspective, you may discover that the brick wall is just a little retainer wall in the garden of life. Or you may find it’s walled you in – or out – of your objective. But whatever you discover, with perspective comes a clear idea of what to do next.
You already know what to do now. Give that voice space and freedom to speak.
Slapped in the face again by a reality you dislike?
by Wendy Keller, literary agent, bereaved mother, human
I had an important meeting scheduled today to discuss a client’s book contract. To my utter shock, the person with whom I was to have the meeting sent an email somewhere during the night to tell me that her brother had just died and she wouldn’t be at work today. How in the world did she remember our meeting in the midst of trauma?
She was operating in shock. I remember that state from when my children died.
I know an extraordinary number of other parents who have lost children; I live with a very clear awareness that life is easily snuffed out at any moment, for any person; I’m quite clear that every time I see my family or friends could be the last. (I think once you’ve buried a child or two, you never see death the same way again – it is permanently impossible to ignore.)
If you read my posts, you’ve probably had to face some pretty major traumas of your own.
You may still be reeling. Perhaps you’re still operating in shock, no matter how many weeks, months or years it has been. It’s very hard to stop, slow down and sift through what happened in great detail.
Yet that is exactly what we must each do from time to time, especially if our current life is riddled with recurring potholes: the inability to form a healthy love relationship (if you want one); the inability to bond with your other living children (or smothering them with protection); the recurring mysterious health problems; addictive behaviors; unconquerable depression. These are all ways your soul is screaming at you to take the time it requires to dismantle what happened to you, how you reacted, and how it caused you to believe now – and see if this is the best result you could have considering the circumstances.
Is your soul is screaming at you? Don’t just read this and push on.
Of course, it’s best to do this with someone else who is trained to handle the task. Some grief counselors, some therapists, some psychiatrists are very good at this stuff. (And some are not!) It is not so much a process of reliving the anguish you endured, because it won’t be the same fresh anguish now anyway – your brain already knows what happened. There is some research to indicate that re-traumatizing someone is not healthy. But it IS healthy to look at the emotions you may have stuffed and the decisions you made about the way things are as a result, especially with the guidance of a qualified, compassionate coach or professional.
Not sure if you have blind spots of unhealed pain? I dare you to do this exercise.
Not sure if you need some help or if you really are as “fine” as you claim? Next time you have some quiet, ask yourself these questions sincerely, preferably with a pen in hand:
Because of what happened, I now believe life is…
It’s very unlikely that…
I feel guilty when I think about…
People like me are always…
The thing I hate most is…
It’s unfair that this happened because…
I’m entitled to …. because of what happened to me.
Write answers until you can’t think of any more, and then write 5 or 6 more. Try to observe yourself. If you have already refused to even attempt this helpful exercise, ask yourself Why? What might you be hiding from yourself by thinking this is stupid or an irritating idea?
If these sentence starters do agitate you internally, it’s an indicator you are living your life with some frozen emotion trapped inside. If you could have resolved the pain by yourself or with the advice of your friends, you would have done so already.
If doing it alone were enough, you’d really be OK now.
Make a commitment to yourself to get some help. Don’t allow yourself to live your life with part of your heart cut off. The growth that is supposed to come after trauma can be stagnated when we too quickly force ourselves to function in a world that’s gone awry or when we continue to use the gift of early shock as our coping strategy for years to come.
You are alive. Let yourself attempt fully living. Give yourself permission to heal.
When you’re ready, you will probably find this free
I hadn’t spoken to my friend in more than 18 months. Not an intentional lapse, we both just got busy. She called today, out of the blue, and told me a horrifying story of her life in the meantime. Her daughter was sexually abused; she discovered her boss is covering up a major white collar crime; and she has some health problems. She said, “I am only now able to talk about all this. I kept going on, pretending like everything was fine, but thanks to a good therapist, I find that I can express what I’m feeling now.”
I felt like crying. I felt guilty. I felt like leaping into my car, driving to her office and hugging her.
But her story made me realize again how many people suffer in silence, in shame. My friend’s parents accused her of neglect when they found out that the child’s friend’s father had violated her. She’s got no real support system. She just spent Thanksgiving alone.
That’s where the problems fester: alone. When we isolate ourselves with our emotions, we give them a cold, dark corner in which to grow into monsters.
Here’s what we know for certain about suffering: A burden shared is half as heavy.
If you are suffering in silence, find a friend; hire a counselor or a therapist; tell somebody.
No matter what you think the fallout will be, it will be LESS than you fear, and you will start moving toward healing. Hiding this from the world is not helping you. Internalizing your pain will make you physically and psychologically sick. Please, get help. Reach out. You’ll be so glad you did.
There’s a whole world full of loving, supportive, kindhearted people out here ready to help you. I promise.
WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW
IS HURTING:
Please pass this on to anyone you know who you think may be hiding secret pain. This could be someone who has drifted out of contact with you; who is unnaturally quiet or loud; whose personality has abruptly changed; or who you’ve caught crying but who claims “no reason” or “just hormones”. Please, share. Or send them to the website www.WendyKeller.com.
My daughter moved back in with me this past weekend – for the fifth time in 14 months. I love her more than anyone on the planet, of course, but living together is hard on our relationship.
At dinner last night, I offered to pay the additional tuition for a university course she wanted to take and, long story short, she said I was pushing her to be an “over-achiever just like you and Dad.” From there, things escalated. Trying to stay grounded and conscious that the anger she was expressing had nothing to do with me, I snapped. Not into anger, into sorrow. After 10 minutes of being falsely accused, I literally went in my room, shut the door and burst into tears. I don’t know if married mothers get pushed that far, too, but I expect they do. My frustration with this child’s occasionally ungrateful, surly, sarcastic, even rude communication style sometimes just overwhelms me. Rather than say something I’ll regret, as I’ve done sometimes in the past, I chose to retreat to calm myself down.
In the end, we both apologized and she left to go see friends. I am certain she’s shaken off the incident, but it’s still troubling me. I review: I didn’t get angry. I used healthy communication skills. I did not raise my voice or stoop to discourtesy. I politely withdrew when things became untenable. I started out by trying to help her. The conflict began at the dinner table, while she was eating one of her favorite meals that I’d prepared and kept warm for her. Certainly, without a doubt (in my own mind) I am the Unjustly Attacked Party.
I bet you’ve been in a similar situation with a partner, a boss, a co-worker or maybe your child, too.
Someone is in your face and it’s just not fair.
Here’s what I should have done differently: kept my nose out of her life. My Great Idea of the extra college class is something she wished for aloud less than 48 hours ago, but young people change with the wind. I know that. I am meddlesome when it comes to her completing her education, and I know that too. And I know she hates it but I do it anyway. I press her buttons. I was a very different kind of person at 20, and I sometimes think she should be more like I was. I forget the #1 crucial rule of human interaction: the other person’s worldview is affecting their actions and reactions.
One level down, I realize I don’t have to be right, because it doesn’t matter in the long scheme of things. I just saved $550 by not having to pay for the additional academic course. How this 20 yr old person decides to live her life is her choice. I know I should offer my opinion, assistance and advice only when it’s requested.
Another layer deeper, I know that my motivation in offering her the tuition comes from my belief that my final duty as a parent is to get this child a bachelor’s degree and then I can be relatively free. No one warned me that my child would take more than 5 arduous years to graduate. I’d like her to be toddling toward independence, not moving back in with me every time life doesn’t go her way.
And at the deepest level, the soul level of who I am, I admit I am exhausted by parenting and I am bone tired. If she graduates sooner, I can do something else with my life other than be on call for her every need.
As I keep widening my own perspective, I can see that truly, my allegedly altruistic desire to pay for her course is really at least as much about my desires as it is about helping her.
I’ve found this to be true in other conflicts: when I calm down and peel back layer after layer of my own motivations, I find out I’m less the innocent victim than I thought I was. It’s tough to face my own inadequacies, but oh so helpful in preparing for the next interaction, ones that can increasingly come from a place of loving my daughter for who she is, where she is and the moment I have with her.
Summary:
+ Other people have their own worldview and act accordingly
+ Seeing myself as a victim means only that I haven’t peeled back the layers to my core motivation
+ Everyone has the right to live their life as they see fit, and I have the choice to respond, avoid or engage
+ When I peel back courageously, I may discover that my motives are not as pure as once was thought
Which brings us back to Sophie and me. Having worked through my own true motivations, I have to admit (even if only to myself and you) that she’s partly right when she accused me of wanting her to be an over-achiever. And drat! Once I take that step, I realize that there were at least two sides to this conflict. I see clearly my own conscious and unconscious participation. This sets my heart free, clear and ready to engage lovingly with my daughter when I see her later. This stuff works for all types of human interactions. If we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, then taking an accurate amount of responsibility for the interactions in our lives that cause us conflict is the highest form of that pursuit, because only by so doing do we attain freedom.
She woke up this morning happy as a clam, kissed me on the cheek, and left for her job waving and smiling.
*****I’m super excited about the initial response to my brand new eBook (due out next Wednesday!) on Handling the Holidays.
It’s for anyone who feels burdened, stressed out, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, distracted, lonely, off balance or out of harmony during this time of year. When it’s done on Wednesday, 11-21-12, it’ll be $10. But if you PRE-ORDER, I’ll send it to you then for just $5. Can’t beat that deal, can ya?
