Why Don’t We Do This More Often and Better?
by Wendy Keller, author, speaker, a woman with ears
I was talking to a highly skilled business coach yesterday. Michael said that while in training, his teacher told the class that when someone says something that contains a huge gap in logic from what they said before, the listener absolutely MUST NOT fill in the gaps with what they think the other person means.
Listening to a girlfriend tell me her problems with her boyfriend yesterday, I could see she was filling in the gaps between what he said, what he did, and then what he said about what he did. He’s not actually treating her very nicely, but she fills in the gaps with reasons for him, making excuses for unacceptable behavior.
We all have a desire for things to make sense. We predict that most other people see the world roughly similar to the way we do. We assume they have the same frame of reference we do. But we get into trouble when we apply this gap-filling to troubled relationships of any type.
Here’s a scary thought: you might NOT know what the people close to you are really thinking!
I love my mom a lot. She’s a nice lady. All my life, though, I’ve felt like we come from different planets. To keep the peace, my brothers and I always think through very carefully what we will say to her, because she has a tendency to get her feelings hurt extremely easily. My youngest brother got tired of the eggshells so he decided to just state his truth calmly, dispassionately, and without any drama, inflection or concern. Just being honest. That’s it.
It has transformed their relationship so visibly that I’ve started applying it myself.
The only way to really, truly know what the people around you are thinking is to ask them and then listen with an open mind to the answer. If you think you already know what they’ll say, you can’t hear what they really DO say. It’s possible they’ve changed. It’s possible they’ve matured. It’s possible they see the matter in a new light now. It’s possible you filled in the gaps with stuff that wasn’t there at all. NOTE TO SELF: Don’t Make Assumptions!
Here’s a few simple steps I learned – and when I remember to apply them in my relationships, they work GREAT.
1. ALLOW for the fact that the other person probably sees the situation differently and can justify his or her perspective from his own logic. A nine-year-old can absolutely explain in minute detail why bedtimes are utterly unnecessary!
2. ASK the other person WHY they see it the way they do. Ask respectfully, calmly and in a level voice.
3. LISTEN silently, without judgment, without thinking of what you’re going to say to refute their perspective.
Only when you can see both sides of the issue can you create a harmonious solution to the matter at hand, soothe the ruffled feathers of the relationship and come to a workable resolution. This advice doesn’t come as a big surprise to you. We all know this. But just for today, see if you can practice active listening and refrain from filling in the gaps for people. Watch, learn and listen to who they really are – you may be quite surprised!
Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook
“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!
7 thoughts on “The Secret to Healing Your Relationships”
Andrea Sargent says:
This reminds me of the old saying; to assume is to make an ass out of u and me. Lol… i have had these kinds of conversations before and been on both sides of the fence. As you mentioned at the end we all know we need to see both sides of a situation to be harmonious but like so many other things the doing is harder then the knowing. Sometimes we are such creatures of habit…all too often bad ones…
Have a great weekend!!! 🙂
Calea Vickery says:
This seems reasonable, but what if the other person doesn’t see things your way and doesn’t want to consider where your coming from?!??
Then, Calea, you’re not in a relationship, are you? A relationship is one where both parties are present because they want to be, and implicit in that is the commitment to work toward harmony.
Andrea Sargent says:
Wendy…. Someone has posted a reply to my comment on June 15th using my name and it definetely wasn’t me!!!! I’m assuming you can compare the email address used by this rude person with the one I use to comment here. I know there are site trolls like this who enjoy going around causing irritation but that was truly ugly!!! Shame on you for trying to ruin a beautiful persons blog…i will pray for you…
Oh, goodness! What I’d like to know is how they got it approved – must be some tricky technique because I am the only one who can approve such things. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, Andrea. I’ve deleted.
Andrea Sargent says:
Lol…thanks for deleting it. I was shocked when i checked on here and saw it!! Maybe that person needs to read some of your blogs and learn a few things. 🙂
What if you’ve asked the person to tell you what’s going on, what they’re thinking, and they avoid responding/pretend you never asked? Is there anything you can do?