Who is Responsible for This Death? Or This Life?

Posted in Featured, Managing Emotions


Does It Even Matter Whose Fault It Is? A friend’s 9 year old daughter died…


Wendy Keller

Does It Even Matter Whose Fault It Is?

A friend’s 9 year old daughter died in a car accident three years ago.  A woman was texting and hit them broadside at an intersection.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the woman refused to accept liability for the accident for all these years.  While my friend and her husband grieved, the woman (probably on the advice of an attorney) repeatedly denied any guilt in the incident.  Continue reading →

When a Friendship Ends: 5 Steps to Healing the Sadness

Posted in Managing Emotions, Relationships


A girlfriend I’ve known for 14 years has abruptly ended our friendship.  She blast-emailed a…


healing from lost friendship wendy kellerA girlfriend I’ve known for 14 years has abruptly ended our friendship.  She blast-emailed a photo of herself holding her new puppy and wrote a long paragraph about how “deformed” she looks because a cancerous spot was removed from her nostril.

I remember the surgery – I was supportive during it – but the wound has healed nicely and she looks the same as always to me.

I wrote back and said (basically) “You don’t have to point out your imperfections. I’m sure I and all your other friends who got this email blast see you through the eyes of love.”

To my astonishment, she instantly ended our long and dear friendship, claiming I told her to “shut up.”  I reviewed every word of that email and several subsequent apologetic emails and nowhere did I use that phrase, nor even intend it.  I did not say it in my two “please forgive me” phone calls.  I am hurt and surprised, and grieving our connection.

She said, “My father said that to me when I was 16. No one tells me to shut up…ever.”

And so, my love for her has been sacrificed for a memory from when she was 16….which was 52 years ago.

Even though I feel a strong sense of loss, I know there are lessons I can learn from this.

This is what I see right now: Continue reading →

3 Ways to Feel Better About Yourself Today

Posted in Depression, Managing Emotions


There’s a chance that you’re like most people. There’s a chance that what you see…


Wendy Keller motivational speakerThere’s a chance that you’re like most people.

There’s a chance that what you see in the mirror isn’t even close to representing who and what you really are. (The real mirror or the internal mirror.)

Most humans have a built in “fault finding” mechanism.

We compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking.

But even worse, we tend to avoid seeing the things that are actually great about us…or pretend we have things that we fear we do not.

A True Story:

25 years ago, my girlfriend married a man named Bob. Continue reading →

3 Tips for Getting Over Your Divorce Faster

Posted in Divorce


Divorce means different things to different people. Common emotions range from fear, grief and anger…


Divorce means different things to different people. Common emotions range from fear, grief and anger to euphoria, freedom and excitement.

Wendy Keller Divorce SpeakerKinda depends which side of the divorce you’re on – Leaver or Leavee.

Yet however much we want to deny it, getting a divorce (or ending a long-term cohabitation) can be an extremely stressful, painful time in anyone’s life. Mishandling it can cause more damage to you, your family, your bank account and your kids (if you have them) than most people realize when they begin this process.

If your divorce is already a “done thing”, there are 3 things you can do that REALLY will help you get over this faster. WARNING: Some of them seem counter-intuitive!

1. DON’T rush into – or out of – anything

Believe it or not, your brain is scrambled right now. You’re under stress, even if it is “happy” stress. The first 12 months after a divorce, try not to remarry, move in with anyone else, give up on your kids (or swamp them with toys), sell your house, quit your job, move out of the country, or do any of the other super-random, wild things that pop into your head. (You know, like getting a tattoo that shows a bleeding heart with a knife through it…)  Hundreds of divorced people I know did some crazy action like that…only to wake up at some point in the future and say, “WHAT was I thinking?!”

2. DO spend enormous amounts of time taking care of yourself.

Under times of great change in our lives, sometimes we get overwhelmed and forget that it is our body and our life. Now’s the time to take extreme care of your physical self – eat right, get ample sleep, cut back on bad habits, exercise, drink more water, all that stuff. Experiment with what makes you feel vibrant!

Have you always wanted to try being a vegan? Been planning to kick the smoking habit for a decade? Now’s your chance! But don’t stop there! People who thrive after a divorce are usually those who invest in talking to someone – a counselor, a therapist, a clergy person. (Hint: Not a friend who agrees with every bad thing you say about your ex!) Part of the reason the relationship ended IS your fault. Figure out what part and you’ll open the door to a happier future with whomever you choose next.

And don’t forget your spiritual and mental life, too. Read a good book, take a class, go for more walks in nature, become the parent you always wanted to be. Now’s your big chance to make major changes in YOU.

3. DON’T throw gas on the fire

Here are some basic things that will come back to bite you in the you-know-what: Bad mouthing your ex to the kids, family or mutual friends. Saying wicked, cruel things to your ex that should have been resolved long ago. Bringing up endless lists of things he/she did wrong. Not paying child support or alimony.  Not hiring an attorney if conflict escalates (or physical violence is threatened) and instead trying to do it yourself.  Threats. Allowing emotional or financial clobbering from your former love out of your own sick sense of unbalanced guilt.  Emotionally or financially clobbering your former love.  Taking ALL of the responsibility or NONE of it.  Neglecting to spend time with the children.  Doing crazy, scary stalker stuff.   Calling the IRS, your ex’s boss or current squeeze.  Don’t make this worse on everyone. Be a grownup about it.

Divorce gives you an truly awesome, hopefully once-in-a-lifetime chance to become the person you always wanted to be.  Carpe diem!

Now is a great time to get healthy emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritual and then, when the tempest has settled, make smart, healthy choices you can live with for the rest of your life.

When you’re ready, please help yourself to this comforting, helpful eBook

Stop Hurting and Start Healing

 

 

 

A Wish for My Dead Daughter’s Birthday

Posted in Grief & Death, Managing Emotions


Today would have been my late daughter’s 26th birthday.  Amelia died at 18 months old…


Amelia Louise Zhorne Wendy KellerToday would have been my late daughter’s 26th birthday.  Amelia died at 18 months old in the same car accident that killed her big brother Jeremy at age 4 and left me severely injured.

In the long years since her death, I learned that some days are worse than others.  I usually feel a more intense level of grief (in contrast with the daily baseline) on either of their birthdays or on March 15, the date they died.  Some years, these dates sneak up on me.  Other years, I feel storm clouds gathering for days. Like this time.

I went to bed weeping last night.  How could I have survived all this time without her?  I never got to wave goodbye on her first day of first grade…I never got to watch her graduate from college.  Would she have a serious boyfriend now? A fiance’? A husband?  Would I be a grandma?  I miss every moment of the history we didn’t have.  Every laugh.  Every time we didn’t go shoe shopping or share an ice cream. Every secret she didn’t share with me.  Every hug.

Of course I woke up thinking about her. Continue reading →