What do you REALLY need to be happy?

Posted in Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


How Need Messes Up Your Life by Wendy Keller, student of life If you ask…


How Need Messes Up Your Life

by Wendy Keller, student of life

If you ask most people what they need, the first answer is “More money!”  This is true whether they are barely paying their bills or trying to make the mortgage on their fourth mansion.

But what do you really need?  What would truly make you happy?

If you strip down why you want money (or love, or a new motorbike, or a baby, or more career success or…) the bottom line will be because you think it will make you happy.  But happiness is an emotion, and it has nothing to do with other people, money or things. We think it’s based on those things, but this article will show you it is not. You don’t actually need anything else to be happy.

Here are 3 steps for moving from Need-Based Living to Happiness With What You’ve Got:

1. Get in touch with negative feelings inside you.  Negative feelings steal your happiness.  You can’t fix them until you notice them, so pay attention. You might have feelings of depression, sadness, anger, guilt, fear or self-hatred.  Maybe you feel hurt or tricked or like your life is worthless.  Feel those feelings.  They’re what’s stealing your happiness.

2. Understand that the feeling is INSIDE you, not outside in the world.  There are people living in cardboard boxes in India who are happier than you are.  We all spend time, energy, money and focus trying to change external things. We say, “When I fix this, that and the other problem, I’ll be happy. I NEED to do these things first, get a better car, a better spouse, better kids, a better job, THEN I’ll be happy.”  Uh-uh. That’s not how it works. Negative feelings are in you.  Nothing outside of you can make you feel bad without your permission. Nothing.  If you disagree, ponder the concepts in this article for a few minutes.

3. NEVER identify your self with the feelings you’re having.  Never say, “I am hurt” or “I am depressed” or “I am worthless.”  You can say, “I am feeling hurt” or “I am feeling depressed.”  That’s fine. That’s a statement of fact at the moment.  But you are NOT your feelings. Your feelings happen to you from inside you.  Leave your feeling be. Leave it alone, don’t pick at it and don’t take it out on others.  Every feeling passes.  Your happiness will pass, your sadness will pass.  Emotions just move back and forth in all of us.  If you seek out only good times, big thrills, lots of fun, get ready for the opposite: your emotional hangover.  If you live on the pendulum, remember that it swings both ways.

You want all these things, all this money. You want people and external circumstances to change.  Wake up!  Stop!  You don’t need all this stuff, you can be really, truly happy without them.  Happiness is an inside job. 

As humans, we think if we can just get the world set up perfectly, then… But this isn’t so!  We say, “I feel good because my world is right.”  No!  The world is right, it is what it is, and you are content…because you feel good.  You can learn to detach from the external and focus on your internal happiness setting.

Here’s the trick to happiness: You just need to be loving – abundantly, endlessly loving to the world, the people around you, and yourself.   That’s what generates happiness.  Try it for the rest of the day – you’ll see.

 

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Why do bad things happen in the world?

Posted in Child loss, Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Disaster, Divorce, Hope


Like the Boston Bombing, wars, death and sorrow? by Wendy Keller, mother, daughter, sister The…


boston bombing crying grief sadness

Why do bad things happen?

Like the Boston Bombing, wars, death and sorrow?

by Wendy Keller, mother, daughter, sister

The bombing in Boston has shaken up Americans…again. As we face the reality of our time in history, we also recognize that other nations have suffered for much  longer than we have done.

Why do bad things have to happen in the first place?

Some people say, “It’s God’s/Allah’s/Jehovah’s will” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Others ascribe it to Destiny, Bad Luck or Fate.  These answers may silence the questioner, but do they really answer the question in our souls?  I don’t think so.

What our souls long to know is how to prevent more bad things from happening in the future. Because if you know why, then surely we can prevent it. We can make the world safer.  Most of us wish there was a vaccine for cancer, car accidents and even colds.  Because we know why people get polio or smallpox, now we can prevent those diseases.  Wouldn’t it be nice to know Why so you can change your future?

Besides, the real truth is uncomfortable and even unthinkable.

Try on the unthinkable:  there is no Why. 

I like all those positive thinking books that tell you that your outer world is a mirror of your inner thoughts.  Yeah, right.  Tell that to the parents whose eight-year-old boy was killed in yesterday’s bombing.

If you can accept that there is no Why, then here comes the bigger question.

The bigger question is “What do I do now?”

Bad things happen in Boston and Botswana.  They happen in the family down the street and in your life too.   Your goal isn’t to try to wrestle the Why out of it all.  Sadly, you’ll never know for sure Why.  Even in the “obvious” cases.  Not everyone who drinks and drives kills themselves or others; not everyone who smokes gets cancer; not everyone whose diet is mostly Cheetos and Coke dies of heart failure.  You’ll never know for sure Why the bad things happen.

Asking “What do I do now?” opens you up to learning, personal growth, greater compassion for others, and maybe even the ability to avoid such a fate (again).

Please don’t misunderstand.  I’m not saying learning, growth, compassion or any of that stuff is adequate payback for great suffering. Certainly not!  But it does help you move through your remaining years alive on this planet. And really, what else is there?

When you’re ready, you will probably find this free

eBook comforting.

Over 9,100 suffering people already have.

 “The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”

Ever feel overwhelmed?

Posted in Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


Does “doing what you must” keep you from “doing what you dream”? by Wendy Keller…


Does “doing what you must” keep you from “doing what you dream”?

by Wendy Keller

Watching humans from space, it might seem we are not all that different from ants.  Endlessly finding food and bringing it back to the nest; communicating with one another briefly; carrying burdens that are far heavier than we are.

While there are certainly people who never seem take on responsibility for their own lives, I observe there are far more who take on everything and then, life piles on something else.  Whether it’s a real life tragedy or just the car needing new tires and there being a leak in the roof, the burdens you carry may seem incredibly heavy.

How do you have time to even dare to hope for relief?  It can’t all begin when we get to retirement. And in this economy, many people foresee a retirement postponed or less abundant anyway.  If you’ve been working for a few years or a few decades, you might have noticed that each day your life’s dreams seem to get a little bit further away.  The image in my mind is of a drowning person who sees a log just a few strokes away but as you move toward it, it seems to stay the same distance from you.

How do we STOP the overwhelm and START living a life more in alignment with our heart’s almost-forgotten true desires?

Well, the obvious answer is that it isn’t going to happen by doing more of the same.  While you’re alive, you’ll never get to the permanent bottom of needing to eat, sleep, clean, fix, go, give, do…and if you’re like me, you’ll never even get to the bottom of your email inbox for more than a few minutes before it starts flooding again.

So the solution isn’t working harder or faster.  It’s working smarter.

The Smart You inside knows that this is crazy.  Your job is to figure out what the Smart You knows you should do for yourself, with yourself, with your time and energy, to begin to slowly turn your life in the direction you prefer.  Here are some points to ponder, things your Smart You might be saying if you listen to that voice instead of the one that keeps screaming “Hurry up!”.  It might say…

“Hey! Look at this!  You really need to stop hurting your body in this way and live a healthier lifestyle!”

“This is causing you pain. Lots of it.  Let’s stop that now.”  And then actually, minute by minute, second by second if necessary, reminding yourself that the outcome of your behavior in this instant is the quality of your life in the future.

 

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What is Holding You Back From Living a Happier Life?

Posted in Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


Could it be an inside job? by Wendy Keller, encourager of humans Sometimes, we feel…


Could it be an inside job?

by Wendy Keller, encourager of humans

Sometimes, we feel trapped by circumstances.  Things aren’t going your way and you’re powerless to change them.  If you’re feeling like there’s really nothing you can do to improve the quality of your life and the lives of those around you, here’s a radical perspective: maybe you can. Maybe you have more options than meet the eye.

Let’s take the example of a job you dislike, or have merely outgrown. If you’re like most people, you probably have a long list of reasons why you couldn’t possibly leave your current job and do what you love – or what you like better (which is a step in the right direction, at the very least.)  You’ve got bills to pay, people who depend on you, your car isn’t up to a longer commute,  it’s fairly easy for you to complete your tasks at work, it’s a bad economy, you don’t have the training…on and on.  We all can create instantly a long list of reasons why we can’t have what our hearts say we want.

Here’s the real reason you can’t have what you want in your life:  FEAR.

Plain old stupid annoying fear.

Think it through – you fear what will happen if you can’t pay your bills;  you fear no one else will hire you; you fear if you go for your dream and it doesn’t work out, you’ll have no dreams left to nurse you through the hard times.

Your reasons are perfectly valid for being afraid, and you are 100% entitled to them.  We can cling to our fears as long as we please. But as long as we cling to them, life doesn’t get any better, does it?

Nope.

I was thinking this morning about what fear is.  I mean really. We’ve all heard “Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real”, but the problem is, it really does seem real!  (Just like the monster who lived under your bed when you were six, remember?)

Here’s what I’ve come up with.  I suspect that Fear is Ego. Fear is your ego screaming at you, telling you you’re not big enough, strong enough, powerful enough, capable enough to get what your heart is begging you to achieve.

We normally think the ego is about arrogance.  It can be that, but I observe that it is also some sort of protective mechanism. It doesn’t want us to get too hurt. The pain, dismay, sadness and disappointment we live with now is bad, yeah. But the ego is concerned that things could get even worse!  Then how much worse would you feel about yourself? How much more damage would it do to your bruised self-image? What would people say?

If you look around, the whole society appears to be set up to be fear-mongering.  The news talks about wars and crime.  People say mean things about other people behind their backs.  Probably, some of the people you know openly disrespect those who try to achieve their dreams and fail.  Maybe you’ve absorbed a critical inner voice from your childhood.  Fear is everywhere. Your ego doesn’t want things to get any worse, and by protecting you, it’s making sure (ironically) that things can’t get any better.

So what the HECK is a normal human supposed to do?

Most of us aren’t heroic. We’re not going to burn the ships, cut the ties, file for divorce today, quit the job tomorrow, or move to the Caribbean next week and finally open a dive shop.

Here’s an idea: start with the tiniest little step in the right direction possible. Just one.  A baby step.  Just type into Google “best diving in the Caribbean” or “jobs in human services” or “divorce attorneys in Dallas.”  Or buy one measly book off Amazon on the topic of your desire.  Or just smoke one less cigarette today than you did yesterday.

If “the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step” and “Fear is Ego” and “S/he who hesitates is lost” then by taking one miniscule, not-too-scary step, you’ve made a small amount of progress. Your ego will probably be OK with that tiny step.  It’s not too terrifying. You can probably trick it by taking another tiny one tomorrow or next week, too.  (Shhhh!  Don’t say that aloud!  It’s listening!)

Pay attention to how it feels inside your soul/heart/spirit/solar plexus to take the tiny step.  Is it thrilling?  If it is, that’s every fiber of your being saying, “Go on!  We believe in you!  Keep going!”

 

 

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How kind are you to YOU?

Posted in Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


Improving your self-care by Wendy Keller, author, blogger, woman who cares   When you’re facing…


Improving your self-care

by Wendy Keller, author, blogger, woman who cares

 

When you’re facing a big decision in life, whose needs come first?  The people you care about or yourself?

Does your heart seem to tug you in one direction but your brain weighs you down with all the reasons you can’t have what you want, do what you want, say or feel what you want?

I have a friend who has had a job he’s hated for nearly 21 years.  He says, “I can’t leave because I had to put my daughter through college.”  Except when he started, she was only 3 years old! She’s graduating university now, but he has no plans to change.

I have a close girlfriend who tolerates but doesn’t love her husband – going on 28 years together. They have no intimacy of any kind – not conversation, not physical. She always said, “We need to stay together for the kids.”  That made sense in some ways for a long time, except their youngest is now in his mid-20s.

What about you?

What Big Dream do you have that would so radically change your life, yet you make up stories about the world around you not being able to handle your emergence as your full, real, bright, powerful, competent self? Yeah, it’s scary to think about drastic change for the better.

There’s always going to be risk.

Let me ask you this:  Are you getting any younger?  Is it getting any better?

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Introducing a once-a-week email that is chock full of encouragement for you.  I’m calling it the “Good News Letter”.

 Want it? Just…

(You can unsub at any time, and we promise not to share your info with any spammers)