You Already Know How To Fix Your Life

Posted in Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


Your Heart is Your Guide by Wendy Keller, heart owner Have you ever gotten up…


Your Heart is Your Guide

by Wendy Keller, heart owner

Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night, in the dark, and fumbled your way across the room to go to the bathroom or down the hall? What did you do?  You probably put your hands out in front of you, using your fingers as sensors to keep you from bumping into things.

Your emotions are like your fingers when it comes to navigating your life, especially during the dark nights of the soul. 

Your emotions are sensors that can help you decide if you’re going the right direction or if you’re about to slam into a wall and hurt yourself.

Trouble is, we often don’t take in the feedback from these sensors. Like an abused wife who stays year after year because of promises her ears hear but her heart knows are false, we use our heads more than our hearts to navigate our lives.

And yet, ironically, it is only by listening to our hearts that we can sense our way out of life’s traumas.

For some crazy reason, most of us use our brains to try to shut up our hearts. We are like a dog owner who is yelling “Stop it!” at their barking pet, unaware that this time, it really is a burglar and not a rabbit in the garden.

We create our own problems by trying to squelch something that can help us.  We do this out of ignorance.  The wise dog owner gets up off the couch, ambles to the window, and spots the danger.

How successful is yelling at yourself when trying to control your emotions anyway?  Not so much, at least, not for very long.

The alternative to trying to suppress, repress, ignore or punish your emotions is to listen to them. To notice them.  To stop wrapping the pillow around your head and pretending you can’t hear anything.

I had a beloved executive assistant for years who would jokingly put her fingers in her ears and repeat “Neener, neener, neener” when I told her something she didn’t want to hear.

What our hearts say is sometimes uncomfortable or unpleasant.  But it is always the truth.  And a life lived in truth is better than one embedded in a lie.

So how do you listen to your heart?

First, you have to at least give it the benefit of a doubt.  It could perhaps have something to tell you.  (It does, but the first step is sometimes a tenuous one for those unaccustomed to listening.)

Second, you have to notice what it’s saying.  Does it soar when your toddler waddles over to give you a hug?  Does it sink when you have to go to work, or your husband pops the top off his first beer of the night?  Do you feel a sense of dread when you are preparing to go to church, or work, or get in the car?  Do you feel overwhelmed with sadness when you go visit the cemetery, but still feel a duty to do so?

Your path out of this difficult time in your life starts with noticing what’s going on inside you.  If you have to, set a timer for the top of every hour for a day, and just jot down what you’re feeling at 7, 8, 9, 10 AM and so on.  It will eventually become habit and you’ll hear your inner “barking dog” when it is sounding the alarm.

Third, you have to be a Big Girl or Big Boy and decide what would protect and honor your heart – and take actions in that direction. That is what your mind is for – figuring out a plan and executing it. 

Does staying in a bad marriage make you feel better or worse?  (Oh, yes, but there are so many factors and complications in leaving, and then there’s the money issue and the kids should have two parents, however miserable and cruel we are to one another and….  <Is that your head or your heart?>)

Does not going to the doctor make your illness more or less likely to improve?  (Oh yeah, but I don’t have health care and he might tell me that I have something really serious and if I’m going to die, I may as well at least not know about it and…<Is that your head or your heart?>)

Does spending $100 you don’t have on a new shirt make you feel better or worse about your financial problems? (Yeah, but I’ve been suffering so much for so long  I deserve a little something. You have no idea how hard my life is!  All the debt I’m under is crushing my spirits and I need this…<Is that your head or your heart?>)

There are ten million different permutations. But the easiest way to notice when you’re NOT listening to your heart is when you feel your brain snap in with its rationalizations, justifications and excuses.  You think, “He’s a great guy, but…”  or “This isn’t so bad…” or “I can stay with this job until the kids are out of school…”  and you convince yourself that your brain is right and your heart is wrong. Nuh-uh. Other way around.

Your heart may not be aware of the practical ramifications of making a decision. Those are probably real.  The balanced point of view is this: to listen to your heart, respect its concerns, and then in a logical, progressive way, start to test taking steps in the direction it indicates.  You needn’t do anything drastic, but if you do nothing, nothing will ever improve.

What tips do you have for listening to YOUR heart?  What is it saying to you?

 

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The Fastest, Cheapest, Easiest Depression Buster

Posted in Depression, Grief & Death, Hope, Managing Emotions


Do this NOW to change your mood NOW by Wendy Keller, blogger, woman who cares…


Do this NOW to change your mood NOW

by Wendy Keller, blogger, woman who cares

There are all kinds of different things you can do to punch a hole in your depression.  Sometimes, like a pin prick in a balloon, one punch is all you need.  Here’s a suggestion you can implement for free, right now, wherever you are and wherever you’re going:

Notice.

Yep, that’s it. Notice what’s around you that’s pleasant.  People just released from prison often exclaim how much they missed the sunset. But even they can look up and see the clouds from the yard.  Notice how you’re breathing. Notice how you’re talking to that person. Take a moment to notice something in your surroundings that is pleasant to you.  Take a deep breath and smell the air – what scents can you notice?  Notice nature. Notice children laughing. Notice your pet being cute. Notice something – anything – that’s nice.

That’s it.  Just try it. Sometimes, we reject simple things because they sound dumb. But the more you notice the lovely things in life, the less time your brain has to pout, mope and stay depressed. No matter how bad this day is, give yourself a moment to Notice the parts that aren’t.

 

When you’re ready, you may find my free eBook comforting. You are welcome to a copy.

“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”

 

 

Authenticity: An Ingredient in Healing

Posted in Child loss, Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Grief & Death, Hope, Managing Emotions


Who You Are Is Enough by Wendy Keller, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, normal person It’s…


Who You Are Is Enough

by Wendy Keller, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, normal person

It’s easy to assume that people want you to look or act a certain way when you’re going through a bad time in your life. Humans pick up on subtle social cues because we have been living in groups since were were all hunter-gatherers.  Being able to sense the slightest shift in how others perceive you is a survival skill.  Don’t think so?  Remember middle school…?  You haven’t changed as much as you think you have.

When you are suffering from a significant loss, dealing with major issues, facing pain, a scary diagnosis, financial ruin, or other traumatic events, you can quickly perceive how your social group wants you to handle it.  How long you are allowed to be sad or scared; who helps you and how much you’re supposed to help yourself; when talking about has gone overboard and people start avoiding you; and so forth.

I propose that just because your social group gives you clues, it has nothing to do with what’s true for you, what’s best for you personally.  There are rituals in some cultures to handle bad things, and the rituals inform the members of that society how long it is socially acceptable to suffer, grieve, mourn, whatever.  But most of us don’t live deeply in those cultures, and the mixed signals we get in our daily lives can leave us confused, depressed, irritated and worst of all…stuck.

What if a year isn’t long enough?  What if it’s too long?

How can you sense what’s truly authentic for you, and take appropriate steps to nurture your heart and soul as you journey through difficulty?

The ability to figure out what’s real for you is critical.  It’s how you avoid ending up with neuroses and post traumatic stress disorder years later. It’s how you decide what help and support you need, and what you don’t.  In my observation it comes down to one word: Authenticity.

Your job as someone who is getting through a bad time is to pay attention to what is authentic for you.  Authenticity leaves clues!  When you feel worse after being around certain people or after engaging in certain behaviors (anything from anger outbursts to drinking, from endless sorrow to fake merriment), it’s a sign something’s amiss.  When you catch yourself in your mental mirror as putting on act for someone, you are not being authentic.  It’s OK to be on an emotional roller coaster for exactly as long as it takes you to ride it. It’s not fun.  You will know when to get off.  It will end.  Meanwhile, you are entitled to your feelings.  You are 100% correct in feeling whatever you are feeling.  You are enough, just as you are, without society’s pressures on you to heal, act, perform a certain way. It’s OK to be you, fully, really you.

People often try to “be strong” for others, when what others need is your true reaction. Even children will benefit from seeing you weep over the loss of your parent, or express your fear and talk about how you’re taking steps to overcome it.  Plus, it shows them how healthy adults deal with real problems.

When you notice yourself putting on an act, simply take a breath and ask if it’s really the best choice for you in that moment.  True enough, you can’t show up at work crying every day because of your loss.  Your co-workers and customers will quickly be alarmed.  But it is equally risky to go to work pretending that the week after your father’s funeral everything is just great and you’re feeling terrific.  And it is certainly true that after hours, with people who love you, it is appropriate to feel whatever it is you are really feeling.

Trauma, grief, loss, fear, anxiety, these things have their own cycle.  By plastering them over with fake smiles and cheer, they will eventually seep through your outer shell in weird, ugly ways.  But if you set aside time to deal with them, when appropriate, when you are in a safe (meaning: around people who love you enough to accept you as you really are) environment, it’s in your own best interests to be authentic.  Allow others in.  Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Be real.

Authenticity is to healing what flour is to bread: the main ingredient.

The more real you can be about the jumble of emotions and thoughts, the faster you’ll heal and the healthier you’ll get.

 

 

P.S. – If you like this post, please share it with someone you care about. ; )

 

 

Symptoms and Signs of Depression: 7 Strategies For Recovery

Posted in Depression, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions


Are you coping with depression? by Wendy Keller It seems there are two kinds of…


Are you coping with depression?

by Wendy Keller

It seems there are two kinds of depression and both should be treated differently.  There’s the kind that is caused by a life event – something bad that happens to a person.  And there’s the kind that comes out of nowhere, when a person’s coping mechanisms just shut down and walk off the job, and a Big Black Cloud moves into the void.

Determining which kind you have is an important distinction in how to go about treating it.

Many people try to handle either kind of depression on their own and “self-medicate” with drugs or alcohol, or injuring themselves, or just letting their lives go to ruin.  A record number of people use anti-depressants to try to cope with life.  If it’s a bad life event that’s triggered it, at least trying to resolve that problem is more likely to make you feel better than just letting the drama wash over you – although that’s not always possible and you may lack the energy to even try.  But still, studies show that at least working on making things better makes you feel a little better.

If you are hurting yourself or others; if you have suffered for more than a few weeks; are considering suicide; or if your depression is caused by a life event, please, please, please, please seek help from a professional therapist or counselor. 

The rest of this article is about the Big Black Cloud that comes from nowhere, seems to be triggered by nothing, and just takes over your mind for whatever period of time it chooses, and you feel pretty much helpless to stop it.

The first step is to notice when it is moving in on you.  Saying to yourself, “OK, here it comes.  I can take actions to attempt to divert it now, or I can let it settle in.  I think I’ll choose the former and see what can be done” is a very helpful first step and will likely shorten the time it envelops you.

If it’s already settled into your spirit, you have to make the choice to try to kick it out.  Some progress is better than no progress. Even if you don’t even have the energy to do it; even if you are so sad you think “Why bother?”; even if it is eating you up from the inside out; even if all you can muster is just lifting one measly finger to point it toward the door.

I am, unfortunately, a person who copes with Big Black Cloud kind of depression sometimes – and I’ve done so since I was 12.  I felt it poking around my brain this morning and I’m reminding myself as much as you how I stave it off or throw it out.  I’m sometimes successful, and sometimes, I just manage to reduce the symptoms enough to function.  If you have tricks that have worked for you – PLEASE share them in the comment section below!

Seven Depression-Busting Strategies:

1. Review your nutrition in the last 24 hours.  There is some research to indicate that certain preservatives can trigger depression in sensitive people.  For your next three meals, eat only fresh, whole food – nothing that comes out of a box or is wrapped in plastic!  Fruits, whole grain bread, plenty of water (no soda!), lean meats, stuff like that.  You’ve got to give your poor body some tools to fight with.

2. Absolutely FORCE yourself to move your body.  This is the one I hate the most, because when it gets me, I want to just sit there and screw around with distracting activities.  (Like, ahem, writing blog posts about depression…)  Get moving.  Take out the trash.  Walk to the end of the block and back.  Force yourself to go grocery shopping.  Take your kid to the park.

3. Act like a maniac.  This one actually ALWAYS works for me to break the worst of it and make me realize I am somewhat in control. (“Control” is an illusion, I know, I know.)  I smile, I whistle, I fake that I’m energetically dusting or doing the dishes, I dress extra nicely, I put on happy music, I fake that I’m a happy, normal, go-getter person. (I AM that person when I’m not depressed!)  Somehow, faking it gets my brain confused.  I feel it thinking, “Wait! Wait!  We’re depressed.  Stop looking like you’re happy! Wait…aren’t we depressed?”

4. Do 3 acts of anonymous service. “OK, Wendy,” you think, “this is stupid.” But it works!  Consciously allow that car to cut in front of you and do so graciously and with a (fake) smile. Hand $5 to the homeless guy, even if it means skipping lunch.  Put a flower on someone’s windshield in the parking lot.  Pay the toll for the car behind you.  Hold the door open for the people behind you longer than it is your turn.  Just pick three good ones.  Crazy how this works!

5. Dance and Sing.  Who wants to dance when they are depressed? No one.  Which is probably why it works. Put on your absolute favorite dance song ever (My recommendation: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper) and dance and sing at the top of your lungs.  Who knows why this works?  Who cares why?

6. Write a heartfelt, kind, supportive, loving card or email to someone else who is going through a bad time.  For instance, if your mother just died, try writing a card to your sibling.  If your colleague got laid off last month, drop him an email just to say hello, even if you still have your job.  If your friend is grieving the loss of a pet or a relationship, send a card.

7. Pamper yourself.  Women tend to think this means getting their hair or nails done, and for some, that may work.  But what I mean is more personal, and applies to men or women.  I mean this: put on something really super comfortable and do something (other than watching TV, which tends to perpetuate depression!) that you really love doing.  A hobby, a craft, baking a cake, reading a novel, lighting candles,  stepping into a pool or Jacuzzi, making your favorite meal, fluffing up the pillows on your bed, taking photos of things in nature, whatever.  Do something that gets your mind off yourself, and that you love doing when you’re not depressed but don’t allow yourself time for.  This will give your brain a little break from the depression, and which can make it harder to get back into it later.

These are all things that let you know you can push away the Big Black Cloud.  If one doesn’t work for you right this hour, try a different one.  We have to be like master craftsmen with our own lives, choosing just the right tool for the best possible outcome.  You have more control than you think over the Big Black Clouds.  Try it!

 

About me: I write this blog for people who are going through difficult, even tragic times in their lives.  I’ve been through some tough stuff myself, and I share what I’ve picked up with the goal of maybe helping you, too.  Please feel free to comment.  And thanks for reading!

Want to Get More Personal Strength?

Posted in Child loss, Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Grief & Death, Hope, Managing Emotions


Where does it come from and how can you get more? by Wendy Keller –…


Where does it come from and how can you get more?

by Wendy Keller – blogger, author, workshop leader, mom, dish-washing fiend

“Stay strong!”

“Hang in there!”

“I admire your strength. I could never endure what you’re going through…”

People who are going through crises hear these phrases and similar ones often. We get lauded for our “courage” and our “strength”. People who don’t even really know us tell us to “stay strong for your family” or “time heals” or other crazy, meaningless platitudes. As if you’re not human. As if it’s not OK to hurt or cry.

They mean well, but where in the WORLD do you get your strength – and how can you get more?

For some people, the answer comes from their religious beliefs. I suggest there are additional things anyone can do to augment – help – increase – enhance – add to – grow our personal strength in times of turmoil. Here are a few of the top ones I’ve observed people used throughout history. (I don’t make this stuff up – I rephrase it from biographies I’ve read, experiences I’ve had, people I’ve met, books I’ve read, counselors I’ve talked with, and so on.)

Rely on others. Build a support network of people who will not feed you a mouthful of platitudes, but who will listen to you – without judgment, without advice, without falling apart themselves. One of the most effective friends I had after my children died in a car accident was a woman named Sharon. She drove the 40 minutes from her house to mine a few times every week, sat by my rented hospital bed (set up in our living room) and listened to me talk about how it felt to bury my kids – over and over and over again. In retrospect, how would I have done it without her and others? Let other people help you. Pick your inner circle of support carefully, thank them often, and let them do their inspired job.

Tell the truth about yourself always. You already know you’re supposed to say “Fine” when people ask you how you are. If you’re into personal growth and development, you’re supposed to say, “Fabulous!” or “Terrific!” OK. I got it. The time for that is not when you are in the midst of suffering. You hereby have permission to tell people the truth. Even strangers. “I’m having a rough day” is a good answer if it’s true. People whose hearts are open will say, “Oh! Why?” and then you can choose to let them give you some loving support or not. When we lie to ourselves and others, we prolong the pain. I mean, nobody wants you to be a sad sack negative person for years, moping around. If you’re really hurting, one way to start healing is to tell the truth to yourself and to others about yourself.

Decide to get through it. It’s pretty simplistic to say that, but you have two choices and people who are hurting sometimes make…neither one! Choice A: Wallow in suffering, don’t see what’s left, forget all the good things, learn nothing from the hardship, feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life and drain the world’s sympathy level. Choice B: Get over it. Get through this. Get therapy, read books, make a decision that the trauma, tragedy, financial problems, relationship disaster, abuse, whatever that you’ve had to handle WILL NOT be the end of your life. My vote for you? Choice B. That’s why I write all these blogs – to try to help you see there IS a way to get through ALL the bad stuff in life. But you have to choose it for yourself. You have to make a conscious decision that goes like this: “This is wrong, bad, unfair, painful and I hate what’s happened. OK. But I REFUSE to let this be the obstacle that blocks the rest of my life from ever being happy again. I pledge to myself that I will find a way, no matter what, to get through this in a healthy, wholesome way.” And then begin looking for the clues to do so. They are all around you – I promise.

Find something to hope for. Even if it isn’t much. Even if it feels far fetched. “I’m going to run a marathon on the one-year anniversary of being in remission.” “I’m going to go to Paris in 2020.” or smaller things: “I’m going to go 24 hours without crying today” or “I am not going to say one negative thing about my ex all day today”. So in honor of your goal, you buy a travel-sized cosmetics bag with little Eiffel towers on it. Or you make it 6 hours without saying anything negative about your bleep-bleep ex. And tomorrow, you put $2 in an envelope labelled “Travel Budget”, or you go 7 hours. This recovery stuff doesn’t happen overnight. It’s little conscious positive baby steps toward something you hope for, until you wake up on the Champs Elysees!

Monitor your progress. It’s so easy to forget that you’re making progress when it happens so slowly! Use a calendar and this secret code: when you wake up, score your mood from 1-3. 1 = really down/upset. 2 = OK, I can handle this. 3 = OMG! Was that a smile on my face?!?! Score yourself again at lunch, dinner and before bed. Your first weeks might be lots of 1s and only a few 2s, if that. But by charting it, you’ll start to see the world shift. You’ll start to see the truth: you ARE getting through this!

These bits and pieces – tips and tricks – work together to help you build strength as you’re going through rough times. Apply them to your life, starting today. You’ll be surprised how much better you feel soon.

 

 

When you’re ready, you will probably find this free eBook comforting.

Over 8,500 suffering people already have.

“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”