Max is a highly unusual human being. He speaks something like 15 languages – well enough to joke in them – and he has a photographic memory. I agented a book for him, and we became friends. One of my fondest memories: he would invite me to eat with him at restaurants he was reviewing for the LA Times, insisting I promise not to tell them he was a food critic. Then, when we’d get there, he’d pretty much order one of everything on the menu and taste everything on every plate! (I think that always blew his cover, but what do I know?)
The news that he had been hit- and that that spectacular brain of his had taken the brunt of the incident – came as a cold shock this morning. I found myself reeling, tears falling, scrambling for information, writing fervent emails to other journalists who know him until I figured out where and how he was.
Then it hit me: Max was just “there” in my life. I probably haven’t spoken to him in a couple of years.
I care about him, I like him, that never stopped, but I let our connection slide.
How naive to assume that people we love and respect will always be there!
How foolish of me to feel close to him in my heart all these years, but not reach out to reconnect!
What other people I consider “friends” have I neglected?
What friends have YOU neglected?
In the course of our lifetimes, we meet so many people. We bond with some more tightly than others. Some stay in our atmosphere, some drift away. A single male friend I know often brags that he never stays in touch with any of his exes – that as soon as they are gone, they are gone. I secretly think that’s odd. I tell myself I keep everyone close, but do I really?
How rare and precious it is to connect at a heart level with another person! Can we afford to forget people?
If you’ve let a formerly-precious friend drift away,
take a moment right now to find them and reconnect.
You’ll be glad you did.
If you’re going through a tough time in your own life, please help yourself to a copy of my free eBook “The Top Ten Tips to Coping With Crisis”
by Wendy Keller, mother of 2 dead children and 1 living
A friend’s mother died last week. Their relationship was “troubled” to put it nicely. In an attempt to make her friends and acquaintances feel OK about her very private loss, she keeps assuring us that she’s “OK now” and “Not crying”- as if that is what is expected of people a week after their mothers die.
It is not.
This morning, I was thinking about something great that just happened in my life and smiling. Out of the recesses of my mind, I heard an inner voice say, “Yeah, now let’s resurrect Jeremy.” My son Jeremy has been dead since a car accident in 1991. I immediately triggered into some tears, because of course resurrection is not on my skill list. (How I wish it were!)
After my tears, I thought about the pressure we put on ourselves and on others to “buck up” and “stop crying.” We shove platitudes down our own throats and others’. “Well, at least he’s out of pain now.” Or “Be thankful you had her as long as you did.” Or other such folderol. They don’t help anyone. Why do we do it?
Here’s what’s real: It hurts. You feel sad. Maybe you want to cry or scream or weep or pout.
It’s OK.
Nobody else is entitled to tell you whether or not you hurt badly enough to “justify” these emotions.
Your emotions are your body’s way of healing, of dealing with, of processing it.
Let them do their job.
If you’re feeling sad, please help yourself to a copy of my free eBook “The Top Ten Tips to Coping With Crisis”
Jim told me not three months ago that he was “madly in love” with his second wife and his “brilliant” stepson. They’ve been married about eleven years. I knew him when he was married to his first wife. He was single-again in between for about a year.
Imagine my surprise when he wrote me a few days before Christmas to tell me that he is getting a divorce! He won’t tell me the details, but it appears they aren’t “madly in love” anymore. I have no idea what happened, but I can guess. I’ve known him for a very long time – he is a man who simply won’t listen to anything he doesn’t like. He shuts other people down the instant they try to raise anything counter to his own version of reality.
Not listening makes it difficult to be in a real relationship.
It makes me sad for him, for her and for the stepson. When my former husband got his second divorce, I saw the havoc it wreaked on his life, her life, and that of all the children (his, her and ours.)
Maybe I’m being naive, but it sure does seem like the root cause of relationship malfunction boils down to dishonest communication. One partner ignores the other person’s attempts at communication; doesn’t say what they really want, need or think; neither of them tell the whole truth; or one or both of them outright lie – perhaps to “save the other’s feelings.”
The more lies you tell,
or the more things you don’t say or hear
when they are supposed to be said or heard
the bigger the pile of drama and twisted emotions.
It won’t end well.
I was married for a decade. I’ve been divorced now for nearly two decades. Here’s what I observe in the couples I know: dishonesty. Either they are withholding things, or saying absolute lies. Promising things they have no intention of keeping. Nagging people to change when they obviously don’t have any intention of so doing. (My mother has been married to my step dad for 40+ years and she is still incredulous that he doesn’t leap out of bed daily (at age 74) eager to handle all the little chores she set for him that day!)
Why can’t people just tell the truth? Surely, telling the truth is SO much easier in the long run than trying to cover up dishonesty. As a single woman, the married men who approach me usually aren’t just looking for a fling – they want someone who will listen to them. I notice that people who end up having affairs are the ones who aren’t “heard” at home. Telling untruths to others is a short-term strategy that wastes a lot of energy and causes a lot of heartbreak down the road.
Why don’t people listen, communicate honestly,
and tidy up their miscommunications?
It’s such a tragedy! There can be no good outcome!
Of course, in theory, marriage counselors help people hear one another at last. But in real daily life, in our relationships with our friends, grown children, partners, co-workers, bosses, parents, lovers, etc things would be SO much smoother if we spoke the truth, every time, in a loving, respectful way – and took the time to hear others speak theirs, too.
Just for today, make a commitment to speak the truth with love to every person you encounter.
So you’re stressed out, running around, counting down the days until Christmas?*
You’re so busy planning – trips, parties, food, gifts, whatever – that you feel like you can’t even find time to sleep?
You’re already thinking about when this will be over, so you can relax a bit?
Here are THREEsimple tips that will put you back on track:
1. Put Yourself On “Pause”
Walk into any quiet place – even the restroom – and just STOP for a minute. Take five deep breaths, letting your belly expand and contract. Focus on your scalp, what it feels like. Relax it. Focus on your face. Relax it, even the little muscles around your eyes and mouth. Move down to your neck, shoulders, arms and so on. Imagine soothing honey is being poured on your head. Breathe. Catch up with yourself. Focus on relaxing, even for just these few minutes.
2. Savor the Moment
Isn’t it ironic that during this alleged time of festivity and togetherness, so many people don’t take time to savor what’s going on? Challenge yourself to see how many things you can savor today. It only takes a second. The smell of a pine tree sparkling with lights; the aroma of cookies baking; the scent of fresh flowers; the sound of kids laughing; the beauty of the snowfall; a warm, snuggly bed to crawl into; the hugs of a loved one. Take a split second to appreciate – to really savor – to relish in the delight of this particular moment in your life. Take a moment to make it conscious.
3. Spend a Second on Gratitude
In this time of giving and sometimes getting, how much time do we truly spend in gratitude? Gratitude that you found a parking place at the mall, but also gratitude that you have a roof over your head. That you’ve got people who love you. That there’s food on your table. That you are warm and have clean drinking water. When we get dazzled by the avalanche of retail, take time to be grateful for the simplest things in your life – because they are the things you truly cannot do without.
Apply these simple, free, easy 3 tips today and watch how your joy and satisfaction soars!
If you are going through a difficult period in your life, here’s an eBook on how to feel better sooner. It’s my gift of love to you.
(Or get a free copy to give to someone you care about)
*I realize that some of you do not celebrate this holiday, but I live in America where most people do, whether or not they consider it significant from a religious perspective.
There’s a tendency among some people who are suffering to fall into a pattern of what I call “unconscious narcissism”. That’s what happens when long after your traumatic event, you’re acting as if your life is still the preferred topic of conversation for other people.
Signs that someone has a case of “Unconscious Narcissism”:
1. On the phone, 90% of the time is spent talking about their life, their problems, their situation – and little to no time is spent asking the other person about their life. All humans like stories, but if the conversation is all one-sided, it’s boring or even distressing for the other person.
2. When the Unconscious Narcissist is with another person, they focus on everything but the person right in front of them or on fiddling with objects. They are so wound up in retelling their story, or complaining, that the audience member is interchangeable. It’s like they go into a trance.
3. The only time they seem to remember to ask about you, your life and your well-being is in the last few seconds of the interaction, as an afterthought.
You may be an Unconscious Narcissist or you may know one.
When someone is in an active trauma state, talking about the situation is normal and healthy behavior. Your friends and family want to be there for you, to listen, support, comfort you. Depending on what has happened to you/is happening to you, the trauma state might last for a long time. That’s completely acceptable.
But if, for instance, your divorce was final a year ago and your entire monologue is always about the people you’ve been dating for the last six months, you might have a case of “unconscious narcissism”.
If you were in a car accident but your health is stabilized now (as good as it is going to get at this point), and all you can talk about is your medical details, you might have a case of “unconscious narcissism”.
If you lost your job and haven’t found another and are still angry at the economy, your former employer, the leader of your country, etc. and still spend your conversations talking about this topic, you might have a case of “unconscious narcissism”.
How do you accurately diagnose yourself or someone you are trying to support?
Pay attention! Listen to the conversation. Does the other person talk mostly about themselves, milking you for every last drop of sympathy, empathy, support and encouragement? Do you do that to other people?
If you are taking or giving advice, pay attention. Do you ever take it, if you are the one who is at risk of this “disease”? If you are giving it, does the suffering person do anything to actually help themselves? I knew a young man who often asked for sympathy over his problems with the IRS and his staggering credit card debt. Yet most of his conversations were liberally sprinkled with stories about big, expensive electronics he wanted or had just purchased. My advice to him was not heeded, although each time I suggested he look at the situation rationally he agreed with me…and did nothing. Eventually, I stopped listening. And he paid off his debts, grew up mentally and got serious about his responsibilities.
Do you leave a conversation wondering in the back of your mind if you talked too much? Or do you leave a conversation with someone thinking, “I’m glad that’s over” and try to avoid picking up the phone/meeting them in public in the future?
How to Cure Unconscious Narcissism:
Simple! Before a social event, decide in advance to ask questions about the other person/people as early as possible in the conversation. (This is also the cure to shyness!)
Put a note to yourself next to your phone that simply has these two letters: “UN?” If anyone else sees it, they will think you’re expecting a call from the United Nations! But you will know it is asking you if you are participating in Unconscious Narcissism – as a beleaguered listener or as a transmitter of the disease.
If someone suffering from unconscious narcissism is using you as their “sympathy machine”, decide whether it’s time to gently unplug.
If you notice that you are hogging all the attention in the room, instantly start asking questions about the other person.
If you have a strong need for ongoing support, sympathy or feel lost and overwhelmed, consider seeing someone who is paid to listen to one-sided conversations, such as clergy or therapists.
The Benefits of the Cure:
It’s my supposition that many people who do this kind of self-absorbed communication are really lonely inside. They may be around people constantly and still feel this way. No one can fill the hole inside by sucking energy from other people!
Ironically, the number of people who enjoy being around this person will increase when the unconscious narcissism stops. Friendships require a give-and-take, like all relationships. I suspect most people who do this are literally unconscious – unaware – that they are doing it. Or that they are seen as tiresome and inappropriate. They may have developed a bad habit when a trauma did occur in their lives, and forgot to move on.
A healthy social life is grown by a concern for other people, a heart-to-heart connection with the closest friends, and gaiety with the “second string” of people. There’s a time and a place for monologues about your life and troubles. Weigh the benefits against the costs when choosing how to interact with others.
I invite you to take a free copy of my eBook. It’s my gift of love to you.
