Comforting a Friend
Why we change…and why we don’t
by Wendy Keller, author, speaker, woman who cares
We all say we want our lives to get better. We want to leave the toxic relationship at home or at work. We want to stop over-eating or feeling angry at our kids or hating our jobs. We want to take a shot at living our best lives, getting the dream job or marrying the person we love. We all know we don’t want to hold onto negative people, places, things and feelings for too long.
So what keeps us from making the changes we need to make our lives different?
It seems to come down to this: FEAR. “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t.” I remember reading Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” when I was in my early 20s. He has a technique in there that I use whenever I’m stonewalling myself – not changing my life because I’m clinging so hard to something that’s bad for me, just because I fear it’s better than nothing.
He said, “Imagine clearly the worst thing that can happen in this situation. Will you be homeless? Will you have no friends and no money and never be loved by anyone again? Will you find out once and for all that you can’t cut it as a prima ballerina or an astronaut?” (I’m VERY loosely paraphrasing that noble book!)
Well, what then? What if that dire consequence DOES come true?
Ask yourself, “Can I live with it?” You went for your dream of a better life, you failed. Gosh, that sucks. But can you live with it? If yes, if you could endure the outcome should it be failure, then take the leap! Seize the day! Start now!
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure…than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
~ Theodore Roosevelt
charmaine bartolo says:
Very inspirational….thanks
Kevin Clark says:
Incredibly great representation of the best in animals and human.
Sue Mailes says:
Thank you Wendy. I love reading your work, it helps me try to refocus on what I want, even though, for the moment I can’t see how I’m going to achieve it. I won’t give up hope just yet.
Wendy says:
Sue,
In my “day job” I meet a lot of authors. One super-famous international best seller once told me that faith is stepping off the edge of the cliff and trusting God/The Universe/the Deity to provide a bridge as you do so. He said, “The hardest part is the first step.” Remember that scene in the Indiana Jones movie, where they had to step off the cliff and the bridge appeared after each step? That was so cool! I think about that, and my friend’s comment, whenever I am trying to be a pioneer in my own life!
Rileen says:
Wendy…I wish I could make the chat on Thursday….Hopefully, there will be others in the future.
While I greive for the loss of my son, I recently lost someone else….someone who has been like a Dad to my husband and I. I try to focus on all the possitive aspects of his life and the memories that remain, but it is hard to put things in perspective when I see his children dismantleing their parents home in full view of their Mother….within the week of their Father’s death. She has not even had time to come to terms with this loss. It certainly is not our place to step-in, however, it has been so heartbreaking for us. I love them all like brothers … I know that this has to be done, but WHAT is the RUSH. She cannot live there alone granted, but let her get settled FIRST … then get thing in order. Thanks for listening. Hugs
Soraya von der Hoeh says:
,Dear Rileen
My Sympathy for your los. I do understand fully how you are feeling towards your loss. We had almost the same story 2 years ago, when my sisterinlaw started to move to another flat, while my brother “her husband for almost 16 years” cold body was still at the hospital. She didn’t care about (12 & 8 years) the children, how they are feeling by the loss of there father, but she also took their dreams, all within a week. Sometimes, we wonder how people think. Was she protecting herself and the kids, or simply she didn’t care. One thing I know I can’t forgive her for what she did.
Wendy says:
Hi Soraya,
Thanks for coming to my site. I have a super-major pet peeve with the statement “I do understand fully how you are feeling…” Frankly, and respectfully, no you don’t. Rileen’s situation is completely different than yours in ways none of us can even imagine! Please refer to my post earlier this week on comforting someone who is hurting. It’s crucial that you learn NOT to say things like that to other people.
Meanwhile, I hope you and your family experience much love, joy and peace this year.
Wendy
kathy says:
i know exactly how you feel. when my mother-in-law passed my husbands sister and nieces did the exact same thing. but..the EMT’s were still there and they were going through her things. such vulchers. i lost my dear husband to lung cancer on 1.22.05 and he knew what his sister and nieces would do to our house if i let them come over the night he passed. guess what? i didn’t let them in because they were so ugly to their mother on the evening she passed. i pray everything will be ok w/you and your family. my sympathy to you on your loss. i don’t know you, but i am praying for you also. God Bless you.
Wendy says:
Kathy,
I know you meant it nicely but I cannot let this pass without comment: NO. Absolutely no, you do NOT understand how anyone else feels. Your relationship with each person in your life is different than anyone else’s relationship with the people in their life. A woman whose abusive husband dies, for instance, does NOT feel the same as one who loses a man she was in love with for three decades. A child who hated their parent will not feel the same when that parent dies. The fact that my children died at ages 4 and 18 months is NOT the same as another woman whose children died at the exact same ages. Every relationship is different. Please, please, please read this blog post: CLICK HERE
It’s so important that we honor one another’s journeys by not rushing in to force our beliefs or our own experiences on them.
I wish you and your family love, joy and peace.
Wendy
Soraya von der Hoeh says:
Dear Rileen
My Sympathy for your los. I do understand fully how you are feeling towards your loss. We had almost the same story 2 years ago, when my sisterinlaw started to move to another flat, while my brother “her husband for almost 16 years” cold body was still at the hospital. She didn’t care about (12 & 8 years) the children, how they are feeling by the loss of there father, but she also took their dreams, all within a week. Sometimes, we wonder how people think. Was she protecting herself and the kids, or simply she didn’t care. One thing I know I can’t forgive her for what she did.
lynn bayes says:
Thankyou once again Wendy for your loving words of encouragement means alot to me. xxx
Brenda says:
Wendy, I want to change my life SO BADLY! I made a complete life change a year and a half ago and now I wonder if I didn’t make a mistake. My greatest fear is being alone, and when I changed my life (this might sound silly, but here it is), I brought my pet with me. She (Emma, cat) is almost 14 and I am out of the country (live in Mexico) and I want to go home very badly, but I’m so covered in fear of flying her home in her carrier (it would take about 12 hrs., I’m from WIsconsin), that I don’t think I will ever get to visit. I am depressed and filled with fear and dread. I pray daily, talk to God, beg Him to take away my negative feelings, my nerves, anxiety, EVERYTHING, but I’m holding tightly to it. I feel great guilt ’cause I know if she (Emma) were gone, I could fly home and see my family. I’m afraid (of everything!) that if I did that, something would happen to her while I was gone, if I had the neighbors, for example, look after her. My entire life right now is led by FEAR, a big, ugly monster that gives me panic attacks and insomnia. I think I might need medication, and I brought it with me over a year ago, but it’s in another city, 3-1/2 hrs. away, and I’ve been trying to find a job (I teach English) so I don’t use up all my savings. I feel totally stuck, handcuffed to my life, trapped and no idea what to do. 4 yrs. ago I was a strong, confident, self-assured woman. I’m not sure what happened to me. I have a couple ideas, but not sure. I don’t know what to do! Sometimes I think about ending it. And I can’t find a Dr. without help, but everyone here works so darn much, I can’t get any face time! I am desperate and sad….what should I do????? Please help. Thank you. Brenda
Wendy says:
Hi Brenda,
Forgive me if this sounds silly to you, but couldn’t you find a friend to watch Emma so you could go home for a few days? Sounds like you need a break! You poor girl! Sending you a big hug. Please get help for yourself first, the cat must come second. No one will love her as much as you do, so taking care of yourself is your duty to yourself and to her.
Love joy and peace,
Wendy
Janine says:
This was an awesome article. I couldn’t agree more on the reasons people don’t change instead of settling for less than perfect lives. Thanks!
Wendy says:
Thanks a LOT, Janine. I love feedback!
Wishing you love, peace and joy,
Wendy
Vanessa belcon says:
Wendy thanks you so much for your words of comfort, we always feel when we are going through whatever we are that we are the only ones who have ever been through this, being reminded that we are not alone is very comforting and reassuring that “this too shall pass”. Again Thank you and blessings too you and your family.
Wendy says:
Vanessa,
Thinking our suffering is unique until we think about how many people have lived on earth before and who live here with us now. That population number always makes me think twice when I’m about to complain about my life or my situation.
Wishing you and yours love, joy and peace,
Wendy
Michelle says:
I want to make a change, but it’s so very difficult. I am a mentally & emotionally abused woman. I have been, for, probably, 25 years. But, seven months ago, my son was the driver in an accident, in which his two best friends, boys that were sons to me, were killed. He faces serious legal issues. My life, our lifes, has been changed forever. I can’t ‘fix’ it & being a mom, it’s the hardest reality to face. I can’t ‘make it all better’. I can’t be selfish and make a change, that for me, would mean my personal happiness. Everyday, it’s hard to put on a happy face & be strong.
Wendy, thank you so very much for your writings. My love to everyone who hurts.
J says:
Wendy,
Thanks for your e-book, it both inspired and comforted me. I am going through a difficult time at the moment but don’t know where to even start to explain it because so much is happening at once. I am like two people at the moment. One is confidentally getting on with my life and one other that is falling apart but having to do it quietly. But I guess things could always be worse, I also know that I have lots to be grateful for.
To Michelle above; I just want you to know that your comment struck a chord with me – I’m not a parent but I got the feeling that you must be a wonderful mum because you want so badly to fix things for your son. I was thinking as I read your comment that some things you cannot control but your son is blessed with a mother that cares. I hope things get easier, I really do.