You know that feeling you get when your whole life is crashing down? That lost, overwhelmed “What the HECK am I supposed to do now?” thing that happens?
It’s awful. It’s scary. It’s where you think, “I’ve got no clue. I quit!”
It’s my personal theory that in that exact spot in your life, that how-low-can-you-go moment of pure resignation that ALL the benefits you’ll get from this arduous time are born.
I know that’s annoying of me to say. But if you take a deep breath and think about it, that does seem to be how life works.
We’d all strongly prefer for life to be sunshine and roses, plenty of money in the bank, smooth relationships, everyone we love to live healthy lives forever. I don’t know why it can’t be that way, but I sure to know that it isn’t.
In that moment of utter lost-ness (is that a word?), we throw up our hands in exasperation. We acknowledge there’s nothing more we can think of to improve or change the situation. We stop resisting What Is and accept just that it Is.And THAT is the beginning of recovering.
It’s OK if you don’t know how much more you can handle. It’s fine if you don’t know what to do next. Eventually, you’ll let go of how things should be and start to see possibilities based on reality.
Here are some tips to help you get through feeling lost, overwhelmed or flattened by life:
1. Recognize that it’s truly darkest before the dawn. You have to get lost to find your way, and a lot of other inscrutable conundrums and confusing sayings. When you relax into the Lostness, when you stop struggling against What Is, solutions have room to pop up in your life. The solution may not look like what you’d prefer, but if you’re panicked, yanking on the door trying to get it to open while your house is burning down, you might not turn around and realize you can jump out the window. It’s not ideal, but neither is the situation.
2. Put on your Thinking Cap. I’m not trying to be Mr. Rogers here – but I’ve noticed that most of us think the solution should look like X, but it shows up looking like Y. Take a notebook and force yourself to write down 25 things you CAN do to improve your situation. If you’re suffering from grief, the end of a relationship, financial loss, inability to get a job, whatever, list 25 things – as crazy as you want – that could be done to help you out. Brainstorm ideas. Get a friend to help you and come up with 50 if you can’t do 25 by yourself. They may not all be practical, but they will create a miracle. They’ll unclog your brain drain and get you started on looking at things from a new perspective. Once you do that, you might see some things you could try. Once you see them, you will try them. They may or may not work, but they will definitely lead to other things. You’re getting some movement. Pretty soon, you’ve got a direction to go, and once you have that, you’re not lost anymore!
3. Set yourself a time limit. Seems crazy, but agree to wallow in your overwhelm for an hour a day (or 20 minutes, or two hours, whatever.) Split your “wallowing” time in half. Spend the first half letting yourself ruminate on whatever’s really got you down. Then spend the second half either writing down things that are GOOD in your life at that very moment. That’s all. Like, “I can read. I can breathe without a ventilator. I know how to tie my own shoes and I can still reach them….” Doesn’t matter how thrilling the things that are good in your life are. The exercise is about forcing your brain to acknowledge that All Is Not Lost.
It probably took some time to get in the pickle you’re in. It will likely take some time to get, or you may never get out, or you may be out of it by this time tomorrow. You don’t know, and all you can count on is right now. It’s your life – grasp the steering wheel and force yourself to pay attention to where you’re going.
I am a crew rower – I do sweep rowing in an 8 or a 4, as our boats are known. This morning, my team and I were out on the water as we are every Sunday when the sheriff’s boat came speeding up to our coach’s launch. Turns out, one of our beginner boats had been severed by a runaway power boat!
My team immediately rowed ashore so we could help in whatever way needed. By the time we arrived, a few rescued, wet beginning rowers were huddled together. One of them had been taken to hospital. Of course, they were all shocked and traumatized; their coxswain – whom I’ve known for years – was highly agitated. Rowing is a relatively safe sport and our coxswains are extremely cautious. Turns out the powerboat driver didn’t know his craft – he didn’t know how to steer or how to decelerate! (He should not have been on the water, in my strong opinion.)
The damaged boat’s bow was sheered off, so a few of us went to aid with the salvage effort. The rower in hospital is scheduled to be released today.
Now that the trauma is mostly over, I am reflecting on how people handled it. The survivors was clustered together retelling their story to those of us who had just landed. I noticed one young woman was standing, wrapped in a blanket, shaking, tears rolling out from under her sunglasses. I went and put my arms around her. Immediately, two other teammates of mine came up to her. One of them said, “You should be glad you’re not the one who is hurt! I was in a car accident once and I was shaking and crying for two days. Don’t be embarrassed. You just need a cup of coffee…”
I glared at her but this wasn’t the time to take her on. People just don’t know, so they do the best they can. I offered to drive the young woman home, but someone else said, “You can’t. She lives in the valley.” (That would mean nearly 2 hours round trip.) Before I could reaffirm my willingness to drive her, another person came up and said to her, “Let’s get you sitting down before you fall down.”
Each of us is well-meaning, trying to help this rower get through what must be an extremely traumatic event for her. Each of us acted on what we thought was best. The girl herself said nothing. She was just crying in my arms this whole time.
Right when something bad happens, that’s not the time to toss around platitudes or advice. This brief post is meant to prepare you for when it’s your turn to help. There are usually two issues: dealing with the people and dealing with the objects involved. For example, people in a car accident and then removing the vehicle itself. When humans are in deep shock, their brains record things differently than when they are calm. The following steps will help you be of real service. This applies for the most part to helping people who are dealing with a sudden death as much as it does to being first on the scene of any type of natural disaster, fire, trauma or tragedy.
How To Respond In An Emergency:
1. Quickly assess what needs to be done to prevent further injury to people, then to property.
2. Take the most immediate action within your power. Get involved. If you’re human, it’s your job to help. Period.
3. Steel your emotions for now – you need to be strong since you are not a victim yourself.
4. If you are interacting with injured people, do not move bodies unless they are in imminent danger of greater harm.
5. Be immediately practical. If you’re the only one there, do the best you can – help staunch blood; call 9-1-1; get a blanket or sweater from anywhere and wrap it around the shocked person; give water if someone needs it.
6. Don’t say anything intended to pacify or minimize the situation! No stupid “Cup of coffee…” comments. The shocked people don’t need your words, your story, your take on things, not even your horror at the situation. They need your actions because they cannot think clearly and may not be able to act rationally.
7. Do what you can and leave the rest. When the “cup of coffee” woman took the traumatized woman toward the coffee shop, I went to help salvage the boat. When I arrived, three people were just standing there staring at it. Jump in! Do it! You don’t need permission or supervision. I’m always so dumbfounded when people just standing around in a crisis. It reminds me of how allegedly in some major US city, someone was once calling for help and no one responded. You may think that is an isolated big city incident, but I can assure you from most disasters and crises I’ve witnessed, most people just get in the way by standing around looking. Take responsibility and help to the best of your ability. It IS your job. Do what you can.
Most of us will occasionally be called upon to be there for others in a crisis or emergency, a trauma or a tragedy. Step up when it’s your turn to serve. Anything you can do helps.
I just got off the phone with a well-meaning, kind-hearted older woman who truly believes she knows what’s best for me in every situation. She was adamant in her advice, as adamant as I am about not taking it. All my life, I’ve called this woman “Mom.” I wasted a half hour telling my mother why I can’t/won’t/don’t want to do what she insists is right for me. She thinks I’m being stubborn. I think she’s being pushy.
I notice, however, that I always think I know what’s best for my almost-20-yr-old daughter. Several of my friends get my unsolicited advice on occasion. In my regular work as a literary agent, I am forced to give VERY unwelcome advice to authors whose bad book ideas will never get published successfully. In summary, I’m as guilty as my own dear mom.
We all hate it when people force their opinions on us. Why? Because we are all required to learn our own lessons at precisely the speed we are capable of learning them – even if someone who has already passed that lesson wants to illuminate it for us. I am reminded of the sales adage:
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Especially when we are are going through challenges, people who care will offer us advice – and some want to cram it down our throats. While talking to my mom, I remembered the THREE STEPS FOR COPING WITH UNSOLICITED ADVICE. I used them and I diffused the situation. I realize I’m not the only one who entangles with unsolicited advice and the arguments that ensue. You may also get benefit from this strategy.
1. Silently ask yourself WHY the person is shoving their opinion in your face. In my mom’s case, it’s because she really wants to help me. In a boss’ case, perhaps s/he wants to keep the business running smoothly so everyone HAS a job next month. In a friend’s case, it may be that they want to spare you the pain they experienced in a similar situation. The minute you can put yourself into someone else’s shoes, the situation automatically calms down.
2. Listen to their position. It’s possible that maybe 1% of the advice is rather good. You don’t have to publicly acknowledge it, but just listen for it. This person probably isn’t a complete idiot. Take a breath, realize they’re coming from what to them seems a reasonable perspective and open your mind for a split second by asking, “Can I learn something from this?” Even if it’s just how the other side thinks.
3. Be clear in your response. Don’t agree to do something that you know you won’t. That’s being chicken and it’s out of integrity – and it lays the table for another fight soon. Say, “I appreciate hearing your perspective. Let me think that over.” Insecure people will try to get you to immediately agree with them, but just calmly repeat your statement. It is polite, it acknowledges that you heard it and it underscores that you are capable of making your own decisions rationally and maturely. Bonus points if you can also summarize in a sentence or two what the person wants you to do or not do. As a random example, “I understand that you want me to wear a seat belt when I drive, because you believe I will be safer that way and you care about my safety.” (P.S. – It’s my opinion that you SHOULD always wear a seat belt, FYI!)
Why -> Listen -> Clear
These three steps can diffuse any argument when you apply them calmly, assertively and consistently. Write them down on a Post-It pad and next time you’re about to lock heads with someone, go through these steps and see if it doesn’t make the situation much easier to manage.
In the last six months, 17 of my friends, clients and acquaintances have had a parent die. This huge, shocking number shakes me to my very core, as I have four parents, all of them approximately 70 years old.
One of my closest girlfriend’s hateful estranged mother’s dying words were “Get out of my room.” She was a bad mother and a cruel lady to her last breath.
My high school sweetheart’s father, whom I loved for his kind ways, died in a hospital after weeks of decline, surrounded by his large, loving family.
My next-door neighbor’s comment to me when I inquired about his sick mother was that she had passed a week earlier. He said, “Nobody should ever have to suffer so badly for so long.”
One of the women in my Mastermind group couldn’t attend today because her mother died on Sunday – Mother’s Day.
For most of us, sometime in our teens it occurs to us that our parents may one day die. Someday, in the distant future, much later, when they’re old. But whether it is that far ahead or it happens in their prime of life, losing a parent is losing a piece of your history. The person who remembers you when you were small; the way things were in your family in the old days, before most of the people who are in your life now knew you; the keeper of your story.
I’ve spent a lot of time researching and collecting the best online resources I can find for those of you suffering from the death of a parent. My love goes out to all of you at this difficult time in your life.
These websites seem very compassionate, wise and helpful:
If you’ve never seriously considered committing suicide, chances are high you’ll judge this article as “bad” or “wrong.” That’s OK. It’s not written for you. It’s written for the thousands of people all over the world – including someone you know – who are considering or even plotting the end of their own life right now.
The first time I made careful plans to kill myself I was 11. My family was going through a terrible time and I couldn’t devise any other way of escape. Then, when my children died when I was 26, I was in such unfathomable emotional, physical and spiritual pain that I made quite a few suicide attempts – all thwarted by the fact that I was handicapped, in a hospital bed and monitored by nurses 24/7. Those are my credentials for writing this, but this article isn’t about me. It’s about you.
It’s about you if you’re making active plans to kill yourself; if you’re constantly evaluating what would happen if you went through with it; if you’ve tried and failed; if at this very moment you believe things are so bad, so painful, so hopeless, that they can never get better no matter how much longer you live.
What do you do if you’re counting the days until your last:
My moral responsibility (and probably legal, too) is to tell you to seek immediate counseling. Call the nice people at the Suicide Prevention Hotline. They are trained professionals and you really ought to at least hear what they’ve got to say. The rest of what I’m about to write is stuff that eventually convinced me not to die. Maybe it will help you, too. I was on the fence about the matter for years. I would lie to my therapists if they asked me. Secretly, I had all the Goodbye Notes, the method, everything organized, instructions for my remains, I was ready to check out at a moment’s notice. So far, it’s been almost 22 years since my kids died and I haven’t done it. Here’s how I figured out life is better lived:
1. I got real. It’s easy when you’re at The End to think no one cares and no one will miss you when you’re gone, but the truth is, yes, people will. When I was a teen, a guy I barely knew died in a motorcycle accident a short distance from where I was waiting for him. I still get queasy when I think about it and it wasn’t even a suicide. Suicide is one of those things that has a ripple effect much, much bigger than you imagine. Lots of people will be affected, hurt or permanently damaged if you kill yourself. (PS – Suicide is NOT revenge on anyone! It doesn’t prove anything, and even if it did, you won’t be around to gloat over your victory.)
2. I decided to give myself 90 days to change my life. This sounds stupid, I know. But I decided that if I couldn’t pull it off in 90 days, I’d have given life my best shot. But I expected more from myself than anyone else could ever have expected of a bereaved mother. I got my hands on the “Personal Power” program by motivational speaker Tony Robbins. It saved my life – and changed my life. I’m grateful to this day. It’s not about whether you listen to Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, The Secret or Robert Schuller. It’s that you find someone who seems to have some tools and you give it your 100% best shot for a period of time – long enough to see if it really works. 90 days is a good number. If you still want to kill yourself in 90 days of flat-out 100% effort to improve your life, well, no one can blame you. But you MUST do your best for those 90 days. (What have you got to lose, right?)
3. I kept a journal. Not like “Dear Diary, I want to die today.” Instead, I bought one of those small comb-bound notebooks that fit in a pocket or purse and every hour or two, I’d rate how depressed I was at that very minute, what I was doing and who I was with. I looked for positive patterns. The little things that helped me get through a couple of hours. I’ve never used drugs or alcohol, so I’m not talking about substances. I’m talking about nice things, like walking in the park or listening to birds in the morning or the smell of freshly baked bread, stuff like that. Then I tried to do more of those things, just as an experiment.
4. I stopped hanging out with negative people.We all know someone who thinks that their life is so bad and it’s all a rip-off. You know someone who thinks it’s never been worse in society or the economy. These people will go on for half an hour about their alleged proof that things are so debauched, we’re all going to hell in a hand basket. Well, here’s a news flash: plenty of writers in ancient Rome a couple thousand years ago were writing and saying the same things. “No, no, but THIS time really IS the worst in human history…” Tell them to get over it already! Get away from people (and television programs) that suck your brain cells out, decrease your energy, make you feel worse. If you see someone coming and you feel dread, it’s a warning that they’re not good for you. If you hang out with them and you feel MORE sad and hopeless, it’s a sign they’re not good for you. So for now until you’re stronger or until you die, get away. Get far, far away.
5. I cut myself some slack. People who are contemplating suicide are hard on themselves, on the world, on the people around them. We see everything black and sad and bad. This isn’t a game. Being suicidal isn’t a way to get attention (except from a mortician!) You’re sick in the head. You need help – I hope you get it. But even if you blow off seeking professional help, cut yourself some slack. Be nicer to yourself today than you were yesterday. Say something nice to yourself, even if you have to lie and grit your teeth to say it. When the whole world sucks, there’s one person who should be your ally: yourself.
6. Find something to hope for. It doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe it’s the coming of Spring. Maybe it’s the last day of school. Maybe it’s seeing a friend on the weekend, the next episode of your favorite show, or the next Harry Potter book. Just think about something, someone, somewhere you really love. Go ahead and hope for it. Pretend if you have to for now, but let yourself hope. If someone you love is dead, can you hope that your life could be a noble testament to the love you shared? If someone has left the relationship, can you hope to love someone else that much – or more – someday? If you’re in chronic pain, can you hope for a cure, a method, a painkiller, or even that you may be able to eventually manage it and still live a productive, happier life? If you weren’t depressed, what could you hope for? Time may not heal all wounds, but things pretty much move in a cycle here on Earth. What goes down eventually comes back up. It gets dark and then it gets light. Life gets hard and then it eases up a bit, or even gets good. Maybe your hope could be just seeing what happens down the road. You might be curious about what happens next as if your life was a movie. It’s possible the best is yet to come.
7. I gave up. I’m still annoyed by this fact, but giving up for me was accepting that I am NOT the Grand Mistress of the Universe. I’m just a normal, average woman who went through some really bad stuff. Lots of other normal, average women have also gone through bad stuff. We all lack the power to make things perfect in our lives. About the time I gave up trying to rationalize, negotiate, wheedle, beg, plead and whine with the Universe/God/Jesus/Buddha/Allah/the Great Pumpkin to intervene and fix my miserable life; around the time I gave up struggling against What Is, well, that’s when I realized that “You’re here, you may as well make the best of it.” I told my brain to shut up when it started down the suicide planning path. I re-read and then shredded all my Goodbye Letters to family and friends. I committed 100% to those 90 days, no matter what. I stopped talking, thinking and researching “painless” suicide techniques. I gave up on control, on trying to make things perfect, and started working on just being present in my life. Being half in and half out of your own life is literally half-a$$ed, if you think about it. Give up on changing stuff that can’t be changed. Figure out how to deal with the reality of your life – put your energy in that. You might surprise yourself at what you can achieve when you stop wasting energy plotting your own demise or fighting What Is.
I hope some or all these strategies will work for you. Seems like it would be a shame to lose you. You’re stronger than you think you are; you have more power to change your life for the better than you think you do; you have less power to change What Is than you think you do; but you’ve also got a whole lot more to live for than you think you do. Stick around – you never know. The next chapter in the story of your life might be the best one so far! (Really! I’m living proof!)
Why Getting Lost is Part of the Journey – and what to do about it
