Is your day “out of alignment”? by Wendy Keller, resident on Planet Earth For the…

Is your day “out of alignment”?

by Wendy Keller, resident on Planet Earth

For the last 18 hours or so, my life was out of alignment. From being seconds too late to make the green light to conference calls that cancel at the last minute, people who aren’t doing what I think or expect they should, to missing the phone call by 10 seconds. I was feeling half-a-beat off. I had to fix it – right away.

What do people DO when their life is temporarily off-kilter?

Here’s what I found helpful. Maybe it will help you, too. Hope so!

1. Recognize that something’s a bit off.

No point in pretending. Take a breath, realize that your mounting sense of frustration is very real and very annoying, and make a decision to DO something. Anything! Start by trying the suggestions below. What have you got to lose?

2. Get away for a fixed period of time.

When times like this happen, my natural response is to throw in the towel and just quit trying to force things to change. But I’ve learned over the years that instead, if I say, “OK, 10 minutes to see if I can fix this” results in a much better day overall. I step away, ideally outside, take some deep breaths, and focus on what I want next, not what’s gone wrong already.

3. Feel your body from the inside.

Focus your mind for a few seconds on your breathing. Then think about how your feet feel..,your ankles..your calves…your knees…and so on, moving up to your head. Don’t let yourself get grumpy if one or another part of you also feels out of sorts. When you hit an out of sorts part, imagine you are breathing health and strength into it, then continue your mental journey to the top of your head.

4. Listen to, look at or feel nature.

I don’t mean stare at the plant on top of your file cabinet. Step outside for a minute. Pay attention to the air quality, the velocity of the wind, a tree or a bird. Put your 100% focus on that for a few deep breaths.

5. Tell yourself you are aligned now and things will flow smoothly.

And it’s likely they will now! Be responsive to the people and situations in your environment. Stay alert. Look for things that are going right. In a very short period of time, you’ll find that they actually are.

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Three Reasons to Make a New Choice by Wendy Keller OK, so if you’re some…

Three Reasons to Make a New Choice

by Wendy Keller

OK, so if you’re some kind of always-perky social butterfly, you probably don’t read my posts anyway. But if you’re someone who has been dealing with some really tough stuff in life: loss, pain, depression, divorce, a bad breakup, severe money problems, on and on, well, heck. You already know that happiness doesn’t grow on trees, right?

It’s a lot of work to be happy. Your ol’ brain has probably created “unhappiness ruts” in it and you just trundle along, back and forth, morning to night. Maybe you even noticed that it’s become a habit to focus on the negative, to recite over and over to others and yourself the tragic thing that’s happened. It’s possible, I’m guessing, that you’ve gotten so used to being unhappy that you’ve forgotten what real happiness feels like.

That’s where the problem begins – when you’ve forgotten what it feels like. Where unhappiness feels familiar and happiness feels like a change. I’m not talking about the occasional relief of hanging out with friends for a few hours, or reading a good book or having a good workout at the gym. Those things bring pleasure. I’m referring to a baseline level.

Quickly answer this question: On a 1-5 scale, 5 being Pure Joy and 1 being contemplating the razor blades, where do YOU rate YOUR happiness? There’s no right or wrong answer. It just Is.

So here’s WHY you need to figure out to add more happiness to your life, no matter what you scored. I’ve talked before in other posts about HOW. (Click here to read one of those.) This is about WHY, because until you have a big enough WHY, you won’t take action. Not really, not for more than a few hours or days. So here are some WHYs to reflect on.

Because this isn’t how you really want to live. You see other people living happier lives, and you want what they’ve got. Nice things just seem to happen to them. Gosh darn it, if you had nice things happen to you, you could be happy, too! But the surprise: you’ve got to start LOOKING for the nice things and focusing on them, however small, to start the flow, to grease the wheel, to turn on the spigot. Even if you kinda gotta lie to yourself a little bit, just to get over the hump.

Because for some reason, you’re alive. I have no real clue why you’re here, or why I’m here, or why any of us are. It could be Divine or it could be a chemical thing or it could all be a hologram. It doesn’t much matter. If you’re alive, you may as well make the best of it. What have you got to lose? You’ve already proven you’re not going to commit suicide, because you’re still alive to read this. Therefore, you may was well get your groove on and make the best of it. You got nothing to lose!

Because you’re a pain in the neck to be around when you’re always a sad sack. Nobody really likes the person who is always grumbling about the raw deal they’re getting from life. Sure, friends can be supportive when you’re in crisis, but if you’re still in crisis mode and it’s been years, chances are your presence is wearing a little thin. Seeing as you need other people’s support to get through it, figure out ways to be happy – and talk and focus on that happiness when you’re around others. It will bolster up your support team in case you really DO get hit hard again.

I get it that bad things happen to good people. I observe that a lot of people have a rough life. But having a rough life has NOTHING to do with whether or not you can decide to be happy. Happiness is a decision. It’s a lot of work to drag yourself out of depression and trauma and into happiness. I’m not telling you to do this because I’ve got it mastered. I’m telling you because I know it’s right. You may not be able to achieve happiness 24/7. That’s not the point. It’s a journey, not a destination. Take a deep breath, determine to find things in your life this very SECOND that make you happy, or that could make you happy, and put as much of your focus on those people, things, scenes, behaviors, gifts, whatever for as long as you can stand it. Then do it again! Inch by inch, you’ll be expanding your capacity for happiness and swerving out of the grooves of sadness now and then. Pretty soon, gosh! You could find yourself smiling for no reason at all!

Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook

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What to do when a relationship breaks up by Wendy Keller, survivor of heartbreak, mother,…

What to do when a relationship breaks up

by Wendy Keller, survivor of heartbreak, mother, friend

My daughter, age 20, told me that today she found herself repeatedly thinking of her recently-ended ex-boyfriend. He’s been (in my opinion) unfathomably childish and dramatic since they broke up, but then again, the kid is only 21. He seemed like a nice boy until she really got to know him and found out…well…let’s just say he’s now in judge-ordered anger management classes for a situation unrelated to my daughter.

She said, “Mom, how long does it take until you forget about someone, until it doesn’t hurt anymore?” And I, the Great Sage also known as Mom, said “There’s no way to know.” I told her the blah-blah about how some people claim it’s half as long as the relationship lasted. I also told her that it probably depends on the extent of the affection you shared with the other person. She wondered aloud if maybe what she misses most are the plans they made for the rest of their lives, and how those won’t come true now.

This is grief, of course. The loss of the hoped-for future with a loved one. The stark realization that what never quite happened now never will be. It’s sad. It’s tragic. I wish I could save my baby girl from this pain. Heck, I wish I could have saved myself from it. I still carry a torch for a few men I’ve known in the many years since my divorce.

How long does it take? The real answer: As long as it does. But there are things we can do to help move the process along a little. The tips below aren’t a quick fix for healing a broken heart, because there isn’t one. Whether you are facing a divorce, the end of something long term and meaningful, a summer romance or the teenage drama of failed puppy love (like when I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with the deejay from the roller rink…) sometimes love ends.

Who chose to leave and who wishes for one more try doesn’t really affect how long the pain can linger. Who betrayed whom doesn’t either. Even if your ex-love is putting on an “I’m so happy we’re through” show in public, trotting around with other attractive people, their heart strings are still pulled by thoughts of you – even if they’ll never admit it. Even if you don’t want someone back, the ties of love don’t just evaporate into thin air. Humans don’t work that way.

Here are four things that will help you inch back toward a healthy, whole, vigorously functional heart:

1. Give yourself time to grieve, to feel, to heal.

As in, don’t try to use some new person to salve your wounds. It’s not fair to them and it could lead to a major disaster in your life when one day you wake up and realize your Second One True Love is also not the panacea you’d expected from the first. And don’t try to use other distractions like drinking, shopping, eating or substance use to skip the pain – it will just come back to bite you in the bum. You gotta go through it to heal.

2. Let your feelings flow.

You’re a writer? Journal how you feel. Or write poems. Or songs. You’re a talker? Call a trusted friend who will let you rant about “that jerk!” one day and sob over your loss the next. You’re a thinker? Take a whole day next weekend to reflect on what happened, how you contributed (because you did – we all do – even if it was just bad choosing!) and what kinds of traits you might want if you ever dared to love again one day. Grab a box of tissues and sit and wallow. You’re entitled! But let the feelings erupt – angry, sad, glad, thrilled, excited, terrified, lonely, all that stuff. It will go by pretty quickly if you just stay in the moment and face what’s true for you right this second. None of it is “Good” or “Bad” – it Just Is.

3. Don’t compare your relationship or your healing process to anyone else’s.

It’s not the same. You’re not the same person, the situation was different and what happened is similar only on the surface, if at all.

4. Get your act together.

Take time for you. Put your life back together on every level. Give yourself permission to be a little bit selfish. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit. Let your heart mend, like you would a nasty cut. Turn yourself into a closer version of your own ideal self. You’re worth the investment – and you’ll find as you focus on yourself, your heart becomes more buoyant by the day!

These tips aren’t rocket science, and they don’t mean you’ll feel all better and never think about your lost love again. A broken heart is a “real” disease, and it has to be allowed to heal. Give yourself time, space and extra nurturing. One day, someone will catch your eye and you’ll think…hmmm! What a terrific person! I’d like to get to know them better….and that person will be yourself!

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Just a little something to think about over the weekend by Wendy Keller I don’t…

For those who suffer and those who love them by Wendy Keller, former journalist, current…

For those who suffer and those who love them

by Wendy Keller, former journalist, current mom and entrepreneur

I’ve had a little health issue lately that’s causing daily pain. It reminds me of the three plus years after the car accident. First flat on my back for months, finally working my way up through a wheelchair to a walker with wheels. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was still on a walker! I worked up to just crutches and a terrible limp during the pregnancy. I was in extreme pain until one more corrective surgery when she was nearly 2 years old.

The person I was before that last operation was exhausted, grouchy, touchy, weepy, angry, tired and ornery. The dawn after the surgery, I awoke, yanked out my IV, got myself dressed and walked out of the hospital to wait on a bench outside until my husband picked me up! The nurses never even noticed me escape at 6 AM! Much later, my doctor called and asked where I’d gone to – he warned me I had just had major surgery and I’d be in excruciating pain when the morphine wore off. Ha ha! When the morphine finally DID wear off, I was in less pain than I had been all the years preceding that surgery!

I tell you that not to make my story into the focus, but to tell you that I get it. I’ve BEEN the person in chronic pain and I’ve LIVED with a person in chronic pain (my former husband). Here’s what is known for certain about chronic pain: Pain distorts personality.

If you’re caring for someone in pain:

You can’t be who you are at your best when your body is hurting badly. If you’re a caretaker for someone who is hurting, you probably already see how it distorts the mind and behavior of the person you love (to say nothing of the effects of any medication!) Here’s what you can do as a caretaker: Take great care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually, no matter the cost. Find a friend to sit with the sufferer for a few hours while you go lay in the grass in the park or get your nails done or something. It’s an exhausting job! And also, set limits. Misbehaving, rude, grouchy people in chronic pain CAN modify their behavior and be slightly less misbehaving, rude and grouchy. Get right back in their face and tell them it is unacceptable. Don’t let guilt or false pity or the suffering person’s manipulations work on your mind. You have the right to be treated compassionately, as much as the person who is suffering.

If you’re the one in pain:

Here’s a news flash: people are pussy-footing around you to try to not make your situation any worse. The least we can do is try to be pleasant to them. Some people in pain get tyrannical. Don’t. Some people in pain become martyrs. Don’t. As much as you can, try to be a reasonable, kind, agreeable person to be around. Even if you’re flat on your back! As my mom says, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” If you’re dependent on others, be as nice as you can to your caretakers – paid and unpaid – and anyone who is good enough to visit you.

The other thing I’ve seen people who are in chronic pain do is give up. I know several physical therapists who say many patients just don’t do their exercises in between sessions and they wait for something magical to happen so they feel better. For gosh sakes, medicine has come a long way since they stuck leeches and pomanders of herbs on sick people! Do what they tell you! It may hurt more in the short term, but if it’s good for you, it’s going to give you more benefit in the long run. They talked about amputating my dead left leg for a while. Then after about a month of excruciating PT sessions, I got pins and needles for about three weeks straight, 24 hours a day. But you know what? At the end of it, the nerves in my leg came back to life. Even if you’re depressed (and most people in chronic physical pain fight depression hourly) do the exercises and whatever else they tell you. You don’t want to live like this forever, do you? Maybe it can get only 10% better, but that’s better than it is now. Give yourself a shot. You got nothing to lose!

I know personally being in constant pain is an incredible drain on you in every way. I truly hope you feel better one day, and maybe can even get back to being your “old self” if that’s in your cards. In the meantime, be nice to yourself and those around you. Give yourself a time out from people if you need to, so you can deal with them graciously when you let them back into your space. Let yourself cry or scream over your pain – expressing emotion about how helpless you feel is healthy. No matter how bad things are, there’s always a smidgen of something in your power to make it a little bit easier. Do it!

Here’s hoping these simple tips help you have a better day tomorrow.

Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook

“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!

What To Do When Even Little Things Are Going Wrong

Is your day “out of alignment”?