Life Takes a Long Time to Live

Posted in Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


The Amazing Perspective of Elders by Wendy Keller A dear girlfriend chose to visit me…


The Amazing Perspective of Elders

by Wendy Keller

A dear girlfriend chose to visit me while she was in LA this week speaking at a conference. She’s still asleep in my guest room as I write this.  She’s just four years younger than my mom, but she has a PhD, was influential in the feminist movement, is world-renowned for her work and has stories about anti-war protests during the Viet Nam era…when she was living in Japan learning that language in pursuit of her dissertation in political science.

Let me just say, this girlfriend is a powerful inspiration in a lot of ways.

No offense to my mom, who has been a housewife since high school, but Wow.

Here’s the catch: when I first met this friend a dozen years ago, she was already two decades plus into a painful marriage; she weighed more than 200 lbs; was quite depressed; and seemed so emotionally battered that I took pity on her.

About five years after I met her, she ditched the bad husband, got a different professorship, dyed her hair and lost the weight.  She’s been in a healthy relationship with a dynamic, supportive, loving man now for about 3 years.  She’s making ample money because three days after she retired from teaching at the university at age 62, she was hired for her dream job – at four times what she made as a professor.

While the stories of living in Japan during the Viet Nam war are fascinating, here’s what’s really cool: whenever I spend time with her, I realize how very, very long life is.  This marvelous woman has had times when she was a skinny, vibrant hippie; a depressed but dutiful wife; and now an astonishingly respected, internationally renowned thought leader.  All in one life time.

It reminds me that my own life, which is not where I’d like it to be right now in several ways, is just a phase.  There will be a time when I look back on this time and find that I am somewhere else on the long path of my physical existence. Same for you.

Long ago, a sage named Solomon allegedly wrote “To everything there is a time and a season.” The bad times don’t last forever, but neither do the good; the sorrow, pain, fear, depression you’re facing today, well, chances are very high there will be a time in the future that you feel better than you do now.

Some days, it’s enough to realize that nothing stays the same and if you can just hang on, things will probably work out.

Announcement: I’m writing a helpful new eBook called:

Handling the Holidays:

What to Do When Things are Different than You’d Wish

It will be available on Wednesday, 11-21-12.

You can PRE-ORDER IT NOW for just $5 – that’s 50% off

On Wednesday, it will be $10.

The Most Simple but Overlooked Way to Improve Your Situation

Posted in Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


The #1 Way to Get on the Path to Better Days by Wendy Keller, fellow…


The #1 Way to Get on the Path to Better Days

by Wendy Keller, fellow path-walker

Pretty much everyone who has suffered – you, me and the people next door – has fallen into a place of paralysis once or twice. Things are SO bad you don’t know which way to turn, so you do nothing. It’s the human equivalent of “deer in the headlights” syndrome.

This is a useful biological feature in us and animals…IF you use it to your advantage.

It’s also called “squirrel syndrome” or “antelope syndrome” or “field mouse syndrome”.  Basically, it’s “Fight or Flight”.  When life kicks you in the teeth, or you know it’s about to, you freeze.  So do animals.  But they’re functioning with just their basic brain, their limbic brain.  Their little gray cells are going “Do I run like heck or do I take on this oncoming danger?”  They make a decision and run like heck…or not.

We, with our oh-so-advanced brains, make forecasts.

We say “If I do this, then that could happen.  If I do that, then something else could happen.  If I do nothing, maybe nothing will happen.”  So we sometimes do nothing, or we run around like a bird that flies in through an open window and then panics, unable to find the exit.

I am writing today to propose action. Doing nothing creates nothing.

Doing something – small steps – because of the laws of physics gets you to a different place.  I don’t mean rash, crazy, bananas panic like the bird.  I mean USE this gift of your forecasting brain.

Pick the most likely scenario for relief from your current problems.

For me, it helps to write it down. “If I do this, then that is likely to happen, which will probably cause this person to do that.  If that person does that, then I will gain/lose this result…”  If you write down a list of every possible scenario to, say, get yourself out of being depressed and making your life worth living again; finding a new partner to replace the jerk you dumped; or making some extra money on the side to support yourself and your family, and you forecast the likely outcome of each decision you might make, you’ll probably see pretty clearly which one is best for you.

You’ll probably see pretty clearly which decision is best for you.

Start small.  Take one step.  Test it. Tread gingerly.  You don’t have to suddenly quit your job and move to Botswana to solve your marital problems.  Use the moment of “freeze” in the fight-or-flight question to examine your options, even to come up with options, and then start to take steps.  Basically, because you’re made up of matter and you matter to the world, if you move an inch, you aren’t where you were before.  An inch isn’t much, but if you move another inch, and then another, pretty soon you’ve gone a foot.  And then two feet. And then, by putting one foot in front of the other, you can find yourself somewhere completely new.

If your life isn’t working right now the way you want, it’s probably worth coming up with the best Plan B and taking some actions toward it.

Because if you’re a dumb bunny, you just sit there thinking while the car approaches and WHAM! Flat bunny.

Some action in the most logical direction is better than no action in any direction.   And if you’re traveling slow, logically, rationally, you can swerve or put it in reverse if you need to.

 The only way out of problems is through them. 

The only way out of problems is through them.  You can’t get around, under, behind, over or anything else.  Just commit to taking action and watch things begin to change.You CAN do this. Look, choose and move.

I’m super excited about the initial response to my brand new eBook (due out next Wednesday!) on Handling the Holidays. 

It’s for anyone who feels burdened, stressed out, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, distracted, lonely, off balance or out of harmony during this time of year.  When it’s done on Wednesday, 11-21-12, it’ll be $10. But if you PRE-ORDER, I’ll send it to you then for just $5.  Can’t beat that deal, can ya?  

CLICK HERE TO PRE-ORDER for just $5.

Handling the Holidays

 

 

Dreading the Holidays? Here’s One Powerful Tip

Posted in Uncategorized


Is it too much effort to pretend to be happy? by Wendy Keller, sometimes-reluctant party…


Is it too much effort to pretend to be happy?

by Wendy Keller, sometimes-reluctant party goer

Oh, yippee. It’s the holidays.  A chance to spend money you may not have, doing things you may not feel like doing, with people you may not like all that well.  For the surprising majority of people, the holiday season is stressful, frustrating or just plain overwhelming.

If you add the holidays to the problems you’re already dealing with in your regularly scheduled life, you’ve got a perfect recipe for increased unhappiness, even depression.  But contrary to the urban myth that depression and suicide increase during the holidays, it’s actually in the first few months after that researchers see a brief spike  (New York University, Lagone). Maybe that’s because that’s when the credit card statements show up.

How do you make it easier on yourself to cope with the inevitable holiday stress?

The #1 tip is to harness the power of No.  Saying No means you have healthy boundaries; that you’ve got limits; that you’re aware of what’s best for you; that you are adult enough to take care of yourself; that you’re done being bullied.  After my kids died, for a long time I avoided anything that was supposed to be a party.  It just hurt too much to “fake” things I didn’t feel.  My heart didn’t have time to listen to small talk. Boy, I found out who my real friends were – and weren’t!

“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

― Bernard M. Baruch, statesman, financier

So go ahead. Look in a mirror and form your lips into the word No.  Practice it a few times.  See if you can use it in a sentence. It gets easier with practice.  Your #1 job is to take care of yourself first.  Even if the kid’s teacher wants help making costumes and your aging parent is feeling worse and your sister wants you to make the dessert for her holiday party.  Be realistic about what you can and cannot do, considering the stress, emotional trauma and drama you’re going through in your life.  Set boundaries that support you being healthy.

 

Want more help? Here’s how to get the valuable ebook: 

Handling the Holidays:

What to Do When Things are Different than You’d Wish

Just $10.   It’s cheap and it works.

Should You Feel Sorry For Other People?

Posted in Child loss, Chronic Pain and Illness, Depression, Disaster, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Grief & Death, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


Or should they feel sorry for you? by Wendy Keller You know that little tingle…


Or should they feel sorry for you?

by Wendy Keller

You know that little tingle of guilt you get when you hear someone’s story and it’s “worse” than yours?  How you tell yourself, “Gosh, I shouldn’t feel so bad!  Look at what happened to her!”

Here’s what I think about that feeling: Forgeddaboutit.

Why?  Because you can’t feel anyone else’s pain, and someone else’s pain has nothing to do with yours – at all. Not even remotely.  When I was six and my hamster died (we won’t go into the fact that that’s how I learned they need food and water regularly!), for me it was the greatest grief in my life to date.  I was miserably sad and felt so guilty for killing my beloved pet.  I was 100% sad, you could say.  But when I was 26 and my children both died (although no fault of my own), that was certainly the greatest grief in my life to date.  But at six, I wouldn’t have understood. And if you haven’t lost a child, you don’t either.  You can’t compare in any way except intellectually to what it might be like to live through what someone else endured – and it doesn’t serve you to do so.  Even if the circumstances seem exactly the same, the inner reactions and relationships are always different.

Here’s one of the MOST important principles in getting over anything:

Realize that EVERYONE suffers their own pain at 100%.

You’re not a bad person if you still feel sorry for yourself despite hearing someone else’s tale of woe. You’re a normal person.  Everyone feels sorry for themselves when bad things happen. I believe that’s because this ego-induced belief that we’ve got it so tough is a BENEFIT to our species. If our ancestors had never said to themselves, “Gee, it’s really lousy that every time it rains, we all get wet and cold” people would never have moved into caves, condos, huts, houses, tents or mansions.

Don’t believe me that we all suffer our own pain at 100%?  Let me prove it to you. 

(I am borrowing this story from the inspirational speeches I have given on this topic all over the US.  Audiences always “get it” when I explain it this way.)  Imagine you are cooking dinner. You’re loading up your plate with food to walk it to the table.  You’ve got the TV on and one of those super-sad commercials starts for feeding children somewhere in Africa.  They show those emaciated children, looking miserable and hungry.  The voice-over tells you for just a few dollars a day…

You’re looking at the screen, thinking about how guilty you feel, maybe you should donate, when suddenly, WHAM!  You stub your toe against the chair leg. Ouch!  You set your plate down and hop around for a bit during the worst of the pain.  Hurts like crazy!  Throbbing!

OK. Quick gut check:  What was more real for you after you stubbed your toe?  Your pain or the pain of that starving kid in Africa?

The answer is obvious. But what does that realization mean?

It means you can’t blame yourself for feeling bad about the bad things that have happened your life.  It means that if you feel sorry for someone else, even if you try to help them, that’s nice.  And it may be comforting to them.  But they’ll still be living their life and you’ll be living yours.  You can’t quantify whose pain is bigger. But you can USE the pain to achieve something bigger. What you do after you get hurt is far more important than whether you get hurt…because most people will get  dose or more of pain in their lives at some point.

Pain is a great motivator of growth.

Pain is a great motivator of growth.  You can use the pain to get out of pain or discomfort, like the cavemen.  You can use it to make yourself a more compassionate person.  You can use it as a catalyst for your own personal growth. You can choose to continue to wallow or suffer.  But because we are truly incapable of really feeling another person’s pain, the thing you cannot rationally do is tell yourself you “should” feel less of your own pain just because you think someone else is suffering “more”.

If your pain is causing you suffer, don’t waste your energy on comparing and trying to tell yourself you “should” feel something differently.  Recognize that you are suffering at 100%, even if no one else understands how something like that could be painful to you, and USE your pain to get yourself into a better place.  Because, just like your suffering is 100% yours, so is resolving the cause of your suffering.

Use your pain to get yourself into a better place.

 

When you’re ready, you will probably find this free

eBook comforting.

Over 7,500 suffering people already have.

 “The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”

For Anyone Who Has Lost Everything

Posted in Disaster, Hope, Managing Emotions


Please forward this to anyone you know who has been devastated by Sandy! by Wendy…


Please forward this to anyone you know who has been devastated by Sandy!

by Wendy Keller, Natural Disaster/Fire Survivor

I was in Chicago for Thanksgiving when I watched my next-door-neighbor’s Malibu home burn on CNN.  The wildfire took out 53 homes and 9 offices.  I lost one of each, and one innocent dog.

When we were allowed back up our canyon a few days later, the air was acrid with a strange smell.  Fire victims will never forget that smell.

My daughter and I each had half a suitcase of possessions left in the world.  Our two story home was flat, except for some charred and twisted appliances. I had finally completed an expensive remodel 10 days before it burned.  In fact, the contractor cashed the final check the Monday after all his work was already ashes. We lived in a series of hotels for a few months, before Allstate found us a lovely rental.

This is what I can tell you if you just lost everything you own: believe it or not, there’s a silver lining.

Believe it or not, you’ll get through this.

Believe it or not, you’ll someday look back on it as a somber but beneficial turning point in your life.

Believe it or not, this is going to fundamentally change the way you live in the world. 

You will never again think possessions matter.

You will never again keep something you dislike in your personal space.

You will never again think that what you have defines who you are.

You will no longer care about “keeping up with the Jones'”.

None of the things you lost – not even the mementos and baby pictures – were the thing themselves.  They were just souvenirs of your life, that’s all.  The French word “souvenir” means “a reminder”.  You’ll figure out pretty soon that the item that belonged to your dead grandparent wasn’t your grandparent at all – and that you still remember him or her as fondly as you ever did when you had the object.  Objects are not memories.  They say “You can’t take it with you” but maybe what you can take – even if all your stuff is gone – are the memories of the people, places and things you once had in your life.

I’m not denying it’s hard.  The insurance paperwork alone (if you even had insurance) is a freakin’ nightmare.

But the love of strangers, the unexpected heartfelt gifts, the comfort and the kindness of the whole world as we all wrap you in our arms now is a priceless gift if you let it in. Take my advice: let it in.

It can show you that the world is brimming with loving, kind, good, helpful people.  It can show you that there’s hope for humanity, even hope for you.

The most common experience my neighbors and I shared after our neighborhood went up in smoke and we became diaspora was an incredible sense of lightness.  Things are lovely to own, but every one of them weighs you down.  Most of them require maintenance or a place to put them or some kind of care.  It dawned on me one morning years later that objects are frozen money.

It dawned on me one morning years later that objects are frozen money.

I know it’s hard. I know you’re still in shock. I know you are reeling from the ripping away of every last shred of normalcy in your life.  But save this post and read it again in a month, in a year, in three years.  You’ll see these truths bubbling up in your irrepressible spirit.  Someday, you’ll say, “That was just stuff. I’m more than my stuff.”  And it will be true.

Someday, you’ll say, “That was just stuff. I’m more than my stuff.”  And it will be true.

Sending love and comfort to all of you.  It gets better.  Let the emotions flow, but know that there is great good that will eventually come from this in your life.

When you’re ready, you will probably find this free

eBook comforting. 

Over 7,500 suffering people already have.

 

“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”