The Shocking Truth About YOUR Level of Happiness

Posted in Depression, Hope, Managing Emotions


In this case, what you don’t know CAN hurt you by Wendy Keller, friend, mother,…


In this case, what you don’t know CAN hurt you

by Wendy Keller, friend, mother, sister, daughter

There’s a lot of advice out there about how to feel better when your life goes to hell.  I have read many books and attended a lot of seminars that talk about what it takes to be happy.  Like most of you dear readers, I’ve had to get through some really tough stuff in my life, so I’m always looking for the best ways to cope and even thrive.  (And I try to share what I learn here!)

We’ve all heard about The Power of Positive Thinking.  Heck, if people just stop thinking about the fact that they have no money, are going through a nasty divorce, or that their kid is in trouble, maybe everything will turn out fine. Nuh uh. According to many research studies, that’s not really how it works. 

Why?  Because when something bad is happening, it’s really hard to NOT think about it. In fact, trying to insist your brain avoid it is pretty much a guarantee that it’s going to think about it even MORE often.  (Drat!)

So what’s a nice person like you supposed to do?

How can YOU be a little happier this week than you were last, no matter what kind of life drama you’re facing?

Crazy though this sounds, the secret to YOUR happiness comes down to JUST FIVE THINGS.

Yep. Just five.

Here’s what all the studies have proven really DOES work:  Every single morning (or evening) pull out a notebook and write down FIVE things that honestly made you happy that day – or for which you are truly grateful.  And write down how you feel about them.  

Not rocket science, right?

Five things.  And how you feel about them.

Do it for a week, and you’ll see an actual shift in your level of hourly happiness, despite the bad stuff that’s going on.  Pretty freakin’ easy, huh?  It works even if you’re really going through a terrible patch in your life.  It works even if you’re “just” going through some minor irritations. It works even if you have a mood disorder.  It works even if you aren’t convinced it will but you try it anyway because you’ve got nothing to lose.

Try it, come back and comment on how well it worked for you. Or write your 5 things for today in the comments section below.

To get the party started, here are my 5 things for today, Sunday Feb 24.

1. The sunlight reflecting off the water and projecting onto my bedroom wall when I awoke this morning.

2. My precious daughter showing signs of maturity and increasing graciousness (at almost 21 years old).

3. The fresh, beautiful head of red leaf lettuce with which we made a salad for dinner tonight.

4. The mounds of rosy pink blossoms I saw heaped under a gorgeous flower  tree today.

5. The fact that I live in a safe, free country.

I’m going to expound on how I feel about each of these lovely things when I re-write this list in my journal before bed tonight.

You are cordially invited to list your Five Things for today in the comment box below. 

How Much Self-Sacrifice and Giving is TOO Much?

Posted in Depression, Divorce, Financial Challenges, Hope, Managing Emotions, Relationships


And how would it change your life to know? by Wendy Keller, occasional martyr All…


And how would it change your life to know?

by Wendy Keller, occasional martyr

All our life, we’re told to give.  You have to share your favorite toy in kindergarten; religious groups exhort us to give unto others and/or “give ’til it hurts”. We’re told God loves a cheerful giver.  The widow’s mite. Self-help groups tell us “Givers Gain!”  Every charity commercial makes you feel bad if you don’t give more to feed orphans somewhere. Some people take in that message and comply…they give until it hurts and then some.

Of course, giving isn’t wrong.  But if you’re regularly giving to someone who gladly takes, there’s a chance you might be enabling them to expect to permanently take from you, thus disabling their own potential.  Which is pretty short-sighted on your part!  If you are always the one who forgives; if you are always bending over backwards; if you give and give and the other person is unkind, neglectful or abusive, take it as a warning.

The minute you feel like you’ve “given too much”, it is a message from your inner guidance system telling you that you probably have.

I am not advocating stopping giving.  I am advocating stopping being taken advantage of.  Stop being a martyr.  Stop letting others step all over you until you are empty.  (My friends, this is the voice of experience talking! I am sometimes guilty of this too!)

People who we’ve trained to take us for granted (grown children, relatives, partners, bosses, employees) come to expect constant mercy, constant cash, constant sacrifice from us.  It sets up an unfortunate dynamic that, like the quote on this page says, causes you to lose value in their life.  You’d think just the opposite is true.  But reflect on the people to whom you’ve over-given.  Are they grateful, appreciative, happy and caring toward you?  Or do they just require more?

I’m increasingly convinced that the secret to all of this is to listen to your own body, heart and soul.  It will tell you when you’re out of balance. If you are giving so you have the ability to manipulate or control someone, it is not healthy giving.  If you are giving so many second chances or so much money, time or energy that you feel personally depleted and perhaps even a little resentful, it is not healthy giving.

The solution?  Take a step back and as calmly as possible, observe how you continue to create this imbalance.  If you don’t like what you see, summon up your courage and change the dynamic.  You are responsible for your own life, just like other adults are responsible for theirs.

Want to read more of my blogs?  Just go here: www.WendyKeller.com/blog/.

They are separated by categories listed in the lower right hand column on that page. 

 

3 Tricks to Get Happier Now

Posted in Hope, Managing Emotions


…Even if you’re going through a bad time right now by Wendy Keller, survivor Sometimes,…


…Even if you’re going through a bad time right now

by Wendy Keller, survivor

Sometimes, it can seem like a heck of a lot of other people are having a better life than you are.  I find this is especially true when you’re going through a worse-than-normal crisis time in your life.

If you’re bothered by the observation that others seem happier than you; that they don’t have to suffer like you do; if you’ve gotten the VERY short end of the stick, I’m here to tell you: you’re probably right.  Surprise!  The common belief that it’s all in your mind or that you attract all these bad things into your life is only partly true, in my non-professional opinion.  The world DOES seem to favor some people.  Think about someone drinking contaminated water in Africa; what about someone whose beloved son was just shot in one of the many wars going on right now on this planet; think about a new mother sitting in neonatal ICU wondering if her infant will survive. Those people are holding the short end of the stick, too.

There’s BIG BAD STUFF in this world.  Most humans get their turn at bat, their chance to deal with the bad stuff.  If it’s your turn,  whether anyone else understands how hard this is for you or not, here are some tricks to use for getting happier.  I hope they work for you:

1. When I’m feeling especially low, I give myself a break. My personality is sort of bullish anyway, so when I’m trying to force my way through things, force the Universe to conform to my will, force myself to feel differently than I really do, I’ve learned to force myself to do something smarter: Stop. Sometimes, I take a day off but often an hour will do. Go out in nature. Sit and watch kids or butterflies, bees or puppies. Or water. Let something other than your problem fill your consciousness for a short period of time. You’ll find this magically makes you start to relax a little, and you might even see the problem from a new perspective when you get right back into your regularly-scheduled life.

2. Change your respiration rate. I learned this from my yoga teacher. We’ve all been told to breathe really deeply to relax our bodies, right? Here’s his trick: breathe really fast. Inhale quickly to fill just the top of your lungs; Exhale super fast; Inhale fast; Exhale fast. Repeat it ten times. Then try this: inhale, hold for the count of 5, exhale slowly. Repeat that ten times. I have no idea why this works. Deep breathing doesn’t always work for me, because my mind is thinking, “C’mon! This is taking forever and I don’t feel better yet!” Try this fast-breathing thing next time you feel freaked out by the stress in your life.


3. This is totally nuts, but to get happy fast, change your body position. My teacher Anthony Robbins says “change your physiology”. I started listening to his tapes when I was trying to re-learn how to walk after a car accident mangled my leg. I couldn’t do a whole lot to change the way I moved my body at that time, so I’d do “half jumping jacks” – without any jumping! Just putting my arms over my head and clapping. The body has its own knowledge, and it seems that sadness seeps into our cells and paralyzes us. Make your body move in an unusual way and watch your emotions shift for the positive.

I hope these tricks for making yourself feel better work for you. I’d love to hear your results! Of course none of these are going to permanently transform the issues you are facing, but they CAN help you get through the day, achieve some mental clarity and feel happier right now.

 

When you’re ready, you will probably find this free

eBook comforting.

Over 9,100 suffering people already have.

 “The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”

Why Look For Answers?

Posted in Uncategorized


Why look for answers, my child, among the people you meet?   Why believe there…


Why look for answers, my child,

among the people you meet?

 

Why believe there is fulfillment

in your narrow life of work?

 

Why sacrifice the gift of loneliness

to fill up the time with diversions?

 

Look inside every living thing you find.

Feel the energy of rocks and leaves,

hummingbirds and cactus.

Dwell for a moment in a single blade of grass.

Discover the secret of snowflakes.

 

In these patterns lie harmony, my child.

In harmony, the universe.

— Nancy Wood, poet

Are Parents to Blame?

Posted in Depression, Managing Emotions, Relationships


Is it a grown child’s miserable life a parent’s fault? by Wendy Keller, mother, daughter,…


Is it a grown child’s miserable life a parent’s fault?

by Wendy Keller, mother, daughter, sister

It’s pretty obvious to most teenage girls that every single thing that is wrong in their life is their mother’s fault.  It’s a development stage identified by psychiatrists as a necessary part of individuation – the process of separating from the same-sex parent and preparing for adulthood.

But now let’s say that girl (or boy) is 20, 30, 40 or 50, still mired in mistakes made in her childhood by people who she thinks should have loved her more or better, or at very least differently.  Are we adults justified in blaming our parents – or being blamed by our children – when life goes awry?  

For example, in weak, bleak moments, it’s easy for me to recall one particular thing my mother said to me repeatedly during my childhood.  Her snide question has caused me so much pain and effort trying to overwrite her words.  Sometimes, I still fail to do so. Because I know you’ll ask, the question was, “Who do you think you are? The princess?”  She used it to shame me into doing something – usually chores or not asking for something I wanted. But how I took it was “You don’t deserve a better, easier, happier life than I’m having.”  And I never, ever wanted a life like hers.

Knowing my mom as an adult, I know that’s not even what she meant.  She had no idea how I interpreted her question when I was little.  She herself was parented poorly – she did a better job with me and my brothers than my grandparents did with her and her sister.

And there, in my own story, is the crux of each of our problems with our parents.  For most readers, my mom’s question is meaningless, maybe even comical.  It has no emotional charge.  But in my mother’s mouth, that particular question delivered countless times wormed into my heart and infected my budding sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

I’m a grown woman.  Are my problems my mom’s fault? Nope. 

In fact, nothing in anyone’s life past age 18 is technically their fault.  For the most part, everyone has had a tough childhood. There are few truly happy childhoods in my observation of thousands of them.  Sometimes, I’d label “creepy” the childhoods of people who say they were “always happy”.  (This includes the freakishly close single mother-grown son pair who stayed overnight at my mom’s house once when I was a kid and took a bath at the same time.)

I get it. Your childhood wasn’t happy. Your parents made mistakes. Bad things have happened to you as an adult.  That’s awful.  Maybe in your head you can trace it back to something a parent said or did.  Dr. Martin Seligman, author of “What You Can Change and What You Can’t”, wrote that as a culture, we’re raised to blame our parents for our misfortunes and maladjustments as adults, but in reality, who we’ve become has more to do with our own habits and external circumstances. Doubt it? Look at your siblings, or the siblings from any family.  How similar are those people as adults? Yet all were raised in the same environment. Thus it can’t just be environment that determines happiness or success in adulthood.

If you’re an adult and you’re blaming your parents for all the bad, maybe even heinous things they did to you, figure out how to get over it.  You don’t have to carry it your whole life.  If they were evil and meant to harm you, avoid them.  If they were just normal humans who got tired or stressed and took it out on their kids; or had addictions or frailties that negatively affected you, let it go. For your own good!

Be a better parent.  Be a better person.  Do one thing that’s loving toward yourself daily.

The same goes for all of us who did our best to raise children, or who are currently in the process. You made mistakes. Those mistakes caused some amount of harm to your child(ren).  Welcome to the planet!  We all make mistakes.  You can carry the shame and guilt if you want to, but it will only damage your relationships with your children, and make you feel awful.  Confess and apologize – even if your kids can’t accept it.  All anyone can expect from you is for you to acknowledge your mistakes and move on. How the other person responds, well, that’s their problem.

In fact, how they respond to whatever you did or didn’t do during their childhood is their problem, too.  You are not responsible for how another adult person lives, even if you gave birth to them.  

The hardest person to love is often ourselves.  The easiest person to blame is often ourselves.  As mature adults, we have two weapons in our fight for happiness:  forgive those who have hurt us and ask to be forgiven by others for how we’ve hurt them.

It’s your life now. How will you live it?

 

                When you’re ready, you will probably find this free eBook comforting.

Over 8,500 suffering people already have.

 “The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”