After one too many heartbreaks, how do you keep from getting cynical?
My childhood best friend is getting a divorce after nearly 25 years. I met her husband for the first time on their wedding day – and have disliked him every second since.
I’ve been single-again 20+ years. Only a few times have I thought, “This is The One.” When things go wrong, it’s pretty easy for all of us to slide into generalizations about the opposite gender, generate low self-esteem about ourselves, or hear those little voices in our heads that insists everything I did and said wrong.
On the flip side, it’s equally easy to make huge broad complaints about the lack of qualified potential partners wherever you happen to live. It’s astonishing to me, but over the years, people everywhere in the world have complained, “All the men in my city are _________.” (Or women!) Ironically, people from every city tend to make these generalizations. Statistically, that just cannot be true now, can it?
It would be easy to switch hurt to anger or bitterness, but that serves no one. Or to announce that we will never date again (imagine placing the back of your hand dramatically cross your troubled brow when you do this!) The truth of the matter is simply this: We were brave enough to risk our heart, and it got bashed. Again.
A lot of the women who write to me on my blogs and on my Facebook Fan Page tell me stories of lost loves. Here’s what I have to say to myself and all of us:
AT LEAST WE WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO TRY!
The heck with feeling sad. Loving someone is NEVER wrong. Love is the sparkly fairy dust of the Universe. Sometimes, other people love us back. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes, they did but don’t anymore. Sometimes we’re the ones who quit.
If you’re feeling angry, hurt, resentful, rejected, bitter, lonely, cynical or jaded about your romantic life, remember this: You showed courage. You gave your heart. You did the best you could with what you knew then. And you’re still breathing. Your heart is still beating. It appears you’re likely to live another day. The world is a big place, with lots of people in it. Chances are very high that if you give yourself some time to heal, and then permission to look around again, your heart will find someone new to love someday. Stay brave!
Click Here to get the helpful, encouraging, healing mini-course on “Dealing with Divorce”
Lori says:
I used to be described as the optimistic man cynic. LOL Thankfully that is in the past but I can still to this day relate.
You are so right about this…at least we were brave enough to try. I remember reading a long time ago, the quote “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” (Not sure who said that.)and it has stuck with me over the years. The cynic that I was would say some smart ass retort back to that but deep down I knew it was true. It takes a lot of guts to put ourselves out there and risk loving…especially after being hurt or discolored by love gone wrong.
Honestly, I would rather be alone than in another miserable relationship or marriage. Now that I am happily married I am so thankful I gave myself and love another chance. Every day I am grateful that I was brave enough to do the healing work and that my resilience got me through to where I am today.
To all the cynic’s…the one’s that have sworn off love…give yourself time..heal first…love yourself fully…be true to yourself and do things that make you happy and that you are passionate about…you never know who you are going to meet on the way!
Suzanne says:
Thank you so much for writing this. I am a mental health counselor and I know all this stuff but still I have been hurting for over 2 yrs after the end of what I thought would be the relationship/marriage for the rest of my life. Like your friend, I was married 21 years and this most recent relationship breakup felt devastating. But I have been healing, rising from the despair. He recently asked if we could try again (we’ve tried 5 times!) and again he bailed when he couldn’t deal with my disagreeing with him over the most trivial of issues! My heart felt hurt again, but this time, not nearly as broken because I was able to say to myself what you wrote, “I tried. I was honest. I was me. And he has to accept me as I am.” I have always told myself and my friends that it’s never wrong to try to love someone. Thank you, thank you.
Debbie says:
april your words have given me even more hope, i too have had a relationship loss, from the man that i still believe is my soul mate, reunited after 30 years, (he is the father of my eldest child) and the first time i was not a nice person, young and didn’t know how to love, he has endured a bad marriage and when he rang me i thought my fairytale had arrived, he has some issues and is not dealing with things and has put the blame on me, but not this time, i’m hoping he can realise and we will yet have our fairytale, thanx Deb xo
Debbie says:
sorry not april, see that’s what it is doing to me can’t think straight, it’s suzanne xo
Steohanie says:
The idea that love is never wrong is rather simplistic. It is wrong for my husband to give what he feels is his love to another woman during an affair while married to me. Yet the whole time claiming he still loves me but isn’t “in love” with me… How cliche!
Wendy says:
Stephanie, that’s sure not my definition of love! Doesn’t sound like it’s yours either. I’m sorry for your pain.
hoping things improve from here forward,
Wendy
Lost in Love says:
I’m having difficulties moving on from what I had hoped would the greatest love of my life. I tried, was honest, and gave of myself completely. Circumstances didn’t allow for our love to grow and now I must face the road to recovery but with inspirational tid bits like this helps me realize that it truly is better to have lost in love then to never have loved at all.
Wendy says:
Shakespeare is smiling at you from his tomb! ; )
Hope your life is full of love, joy and peace from this moment forward,
Wendy
Alexis says:
Hey Wendy,
I keep sending these to my best friend who just got his heart broken by his ex. She keeps playing with his head and his heart. They help me as well. I an 5 months free of an abusive relationship with my abuser still attacking when he can. I have a 14 month old son with him so complete freedom is hard but I’m trying. Thank you do much for your blogs. They are powerful an amazing! Keep writing please and thank you.
Wendy says:
Thanks so much, Alexis! I appreciate and need the encouragement. As for your freedom from your abuser: congratulations! You go, girl! It will get better and better now that you’ve taken back your life. Congratulations on your little boy! What a treasure! Wishing you and him a happy life!
Love,
Wendy