Comfort for those who've lost their mother or father by Wendy Keller In the last six months, 17 of… [more]
What to do when you're at the very, very end of your rope by Wendy Keller, author, speaker, survivor If… [more]
Peace of Mind is the Ultimate Goal. How do you get it under the circumstances? by Wendy Keller, author,… [more]
How to Change Your Response Before You Open Your Mouth by Wendy Keller Especially when we're dealing… [more]
The Value of Skill and Flexibility by Wendy Keller, author, inspirational speaker, compassionate woman On… [more]
Comfort for those who’ve lost their mother or fatherby Wendy Keller
In the last six months, 17 of my friends, clients and acquaintances have had a parent die. This huge, shocking number shakes me to my very core, as I have four parents, all of them approximately 70 years old.
One of my closest girlfriend’s hateful estranged mother’s dying words were “Get out of my room.” She was a bad mother and a cruel lady to her last breath.
My high school sweetheart’s father, whom I loved for his kind ways, died in a hospital after weeks of decline, surrounded by his large, loving family.
My next-door neighbor’s comment to me when I inquired about his sick mother was that she had passed a week earlier. He said, “Nobody should ever have to suffer so badly for so long.”
One of the women in my Mastermind group couldn’t attend today because her mother died on Sunday – Mother’s Day.
For most of us, sometime in our teens it occurs to us that our parents may one day die. Someday, in the distant future, much later, when they’re old. But whether it is that far ahead or it happens in their prime of life, losing a parent is losing a piece of your history. The person who remembers you when you were small; the way things were in your family in the old days, before most of the people who are in your life now knew you; the keeper of your story.
I’ve spent a lot of time researching and collecting the best online resources I can find for those of you suffering from the death of a parent. My love goes out to all of you at this difficult time in your life.
Sending you and your family my love, comfort and good wishes.
Wendy
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“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!
What to do when you’re at the very, very end of your ropeby Wendy Keller, author, speaker, survivor
If you’ve never seriously considered committing suicide, chances are high you’ll judge this article as “bad” or “wrong.” That’s OK. It’s not written for you. It’s written for the thousands of people all over the world – including someone you know – who are considering or even plotting the end of their own life right now.
The first time I made careful plans to kill myself I was 11. My family was going through a terrible time and I couldn’t devise any other way of escape. Then, when my children died when I was 26, I was in such unfathomable emotional, physical and spiritual pain that I made quite a few suicide attempts – all thwarted by the fact that I was handicapped, in a hospital bed and monitored by nurses 24/7. Those are my credentials for writing this, but this article isn’t about me. It’s about you.
It’s about you if you’re making active plans to kill yourself; if you’re constantly evaluating what would happen if you went through with it; if you’ve tried and failed; if at this very moment you believe things are so bad, so painful, so hopeless, that they can never get better no matter how much longer you live.
My moral responsibility (and probably legal, too) is to tell you to seek immediate counseling. Call the nice people at the Suicide Prevention Hotline. They are trained professionals and you really ought to at least hear what they’ve got to say. The rest of what I’m about to write is stuff that eventually convinced me not to die. Maybe it will help you, too. I was on the fence about the matter for years. I would lie to my therapists if they asked me. Secretly, I had all the Goodbye Notes, the method, everything organized, instructions for my remains, I was ready to check out at a moment’s notice. So far, it’s been almost 22 years since my kids died and I haven’t done it. Here’s how I figured out life is better lived:
1. I got real. It’s easy when you’re at The End to think no one cares and no one will miss you when you’re gone, but the truth is, yes, people will. When I was a teen, a guy I barely knew died in a motorcycle accident a short distance from where I was waiting for him. I still get queasy when I think about it and it wasn’t even a suicide. Suicide is one of those things that has a ripple effect much, much bigger than you imagine. Lots of people will be affected, hurt or permanently damaged if you kill yourself. (PS – Suicide is NOT revenge on anyone! It doesn’t prove anything, and even if it did, you won’t be around to gloat over your victory.)
2. I decided to give myself 90 days to change my life. This sounds stupid, I know. But I decided that if I couldn’t pull it off in 90 days, I’d have given life my best shot. But I expected more from myself than anyone else could ever have expected of a bereaved mother. I got my hands on the “Personal Power” program by motivational speaker Tony Robbins. It saved my life – and changed my life. I’m grateful to this day. It’s not about whether you listen to Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, The Secret or Robert Schuller. It’s that you find someone who seems to have some tools and you give it your 100% best shot for a period of time – long enough to see if it really works. 90 days is a good number. If you still want to kill yourself in 90 days of flat-out 100% effort to improve your life, well, no one can blame you. But you MUST do your best for those 90 days. (What have you got to lose, right?)
3. I kept a journal. Not like “Dear Diary, I want to die today.” Instead, I bought one of those small comb-bound notebooks that fit in a pocket or purse and every hour or two, I’d rate how depressed I was at that very minute, what I was doing and who I was with. I looked for positive patterns. The little things that helped me get through a couple of hours. I’ve never used drugs or alcohol, so I’m not talking about substances. I’m talking about nice things, like walking in the park or listening to birds in the morning or the smell of freshly baked bread, stuff like that. Then I tried to do more of those things, just as an experiment.
4. I stopped hanging out with negative people. We all know someone who thinks that their life is so bad and it’s all a rip-off. You know someone who thinks it’s never been worse in society or the economy. These people will go on for half an hour about their alleged proof that things are so debauched, we’re all going to hell in a hand basket. Well, here’s a news flash: plenty of writers in ancient Rome a couple thousand years ago were writing and saying the same things. “No, no, but THIS time really IS the worst in human history…” Tell them to get over it already! Get away from people (and television programs) that suck your brain cells out, decrease your energy, make you feel worse. If you see someone coming and you feel dread, it’s a warning that they’re not good for you. If you hang out with them and you feel MORE sad and hopeless, it’s a sign they’re not good for you. So for now until you’re stronger or until you die, get away. Get far, far away.
5. I cut myself some slack. People who are contemplating suicide are hard on themselves, on the world, on the people around them. We see everything black and sad and bad. This isn’t a game. Being suicidal isn’t a way to get attention (except from a mortician!) You’re sick in the head. You need help – I hope you get it. But even if you blow off seeking professional help, cut yourself some slack. Be nicer to yourself today than you were yesterday. Say something nice to yourself, even if you have to lie and grit your teeth to say it. When the whole world sucks, there’s one person who should be your ally: yourself.
6. Find something to hope for. It doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe it’s the coming of Spring. Maybe it’s the last day of school. Maybe it’s seeing a friend on the weekend, the next episode of your favorite show, or the next Harry Potter book. Just think about something, someone, somewhere you really love. Go ahead and hope for it. Pretend if you have to for now, but let yourself hope. If someone you love is dead, can you hope that your life could be a noble testament to the love you shared? If someone has left the relationship, can you hope to love someone else that much – or more – someday? If you’re in chronic pain, can you hope for a cure, a method, a painkiller, or even that you may be able to eventually manage it and still live a productive, happier life? If you weren’t depressed, what could you hope for? Time may not heal all wounds, but things pretty much move in a cycle here on Earth. What goes down eventually comes back up. It gets dark and then it gets light. Life gets hard and then it eases up a bit, or even gets good. Maybe your hope could be just seeing what happens down the road. You might be curious about what happens next as if your life was a movie. It’s possible the best is yet to come.
7. I gave up. I’m still annoyed by this fact, but giving up for me was accepting that I am NOT the Grand Mistress of the Universe. I’m just a normal, average woman who went through some really bad stuff. Lots of other normal, average women have also gone through bad stuff. We all lack the power to make things perfect in our lives. About the time I gave up trying to rationalize, negotiate, wheedle, beg, plead and whine with the Universe/God/Jesus/Buddha/Allah/the Great Pumpkin to intervene and fix my miserable life; around the time I gave up struggling against What Is, well, that’s when I realized that “You’re here, you may as well make the best of it.” I told my brain to shut up when it started down the suicide planning path. I re-read and then shredded all my Goodbye Letters to family and friends. I committed 100% to those 90 days, no matter what. I stopped talking, thinking and researching “painless” suicide techniques. I gave up on control, on trying to make things perfect, and started working on just being present in my life. Being half in and half out of your own life is literally half-a$$ed, if you think about it. Give up on changing stuff that can’t be changed. Figure out how to deal with the reality of your life – put your energy in that. You might surprise yourself at what you can achieve when you stop wasting energy plotting your own demise or fighting What Is.
I hope some or all these strategies will work for you. Seems like it would be a shame to lose you. You’re stronger than you think you are; you have more power to change your life for the better than you think you do; you have less power to change What Is than you think you do; but you’ve also got a whole lot more to live for than you think you do. Stick around – you never know. The next chapter in the story of your life might be the best one so far! (Really! I’m living proof!)
Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook
“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!
Peace of Mind is the Ultimate Goal. How do you get it under the circumstances?by Wendy Keller, author, inspirational speaker, woman who cares
It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything original, because I’ve been stuck on a few sentences in a book. The book is called “Being Peace” by the Vietnamese monk Thich Naht Hanh. This is not the first time I’ve read this book, but since last time, someone must have come along and added a few sentences I never noticed before. Does that ever happen to you?
The sentences that have seized my mind are these:
“Reality, ultimate reality, is free from all adjectives, either pure or impure.” – page 24
It’s not “good” or “bad”; It’s not “fair” nor “unfair”. The bad stuff that’s happening in your life just Is. Reality is just that: What Is. We can hate it, we can suffer, we can squirm. But ultimately, that has no bearing on What Is. It only affects how we cope with What Is.
I think when Really Bad Stuff happens, coping goes way, way, way beyond “Think Positive Thoughts.” We may mutter under our breath to any chirpy person who dares to admonish us to think positively when we’re really hurting, “Let me shove your positive thoughts right up…”
But logically, let’s look at this. The Bad Thing has already happened. Nothing is going to grow back your amputated legs; resurrect your loved one; make your spouse into someone who doesn’t cheat; whatever.
Could it be – and I suspect it is – our “adjectives” cause us pain? I know it takes enormous effort to think this – really I do – but just for a split second, what if you said, “What happened to me isn’t Good or Bad; Pure or Impure; it just is What Is.” It’s a fact.
The minute we stop resisting something that’s already happened, the sooner we can decide to stop hurting and starting living again. The sooner we can begin to open ourselves to coping strategies, to recovery, to seeing what’s left in the ruins of our lives. It takes an unfathomable amount of mental strength to try to let go of The Bad Thing, to wash off all the words we use to describe it, and to just let it be What Is. Yet the minute we do, everything changes. Our perspective. Our feelings. Our coping ability.
You’re still alive. You made it through The Bad Thing. Why not make the best of it? What will it hurt you to try this little experiment? Why not take a stab at creating Peace of Mind by letting go (even for a second!) of the judgment you have about what happened, the labels you and society give it, and let a fresh breeze into your soul?
Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook
“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!
Uh-oh!
by Wendy Keller
Especially when we’re dealing with the fallout of trauma, extreme stress or suffering, it’s easy for other people to trigger our issues. Sometimes, they pick off the scab of an old wound. Sometimes, they are just innocent wanderers who tripped a wire in our heads or hearts. Now we have super-charged feelings that FAR out-respond to what’s really going on. The easiest thing to do is react – or over-react. We’ve all done it and paid the price. Whether your first instinct is to react with anger or tears or something in between, these strategies work.
Here are some great ways to handle it when someone gets you upset:
1. Give yourself time to react…before you react. Take a minute off from the situation; sleep on it overnight if you can. Walk out of the room, change your focus, take some deep breaths, chill out, go outside, do some exercise. Why does this work? Because taking your focus off the trigger gives you a broader perspective. It’s not so much about WHAT you do after the trigger happens, it’s about changing your focus temporarily.
2.Try out different approaches in your head. This is SO helpful! Think it through like this: If I respond by saying or doing this, will it escalate the problem or diffuse it? Ask yourself, “If I say this, how is she likely to respond? And then what will happen? And then what will happen after that?“ If you carry through with the thing you’d like to do or say to the further stretches of your imagination, is that really the result you want to achieve? (People who get caught up in revenge often can’t predict the outcome of their behavior long term because they skipped this step!)
3.Determine your objective. If your preference is for greater serenity and peace of mind for yourself, what can you do to diffuse the situation? For instance, if your partner infuriates you, is your goal to have a more harmonious relationship? If so, ask yourself what response you could try out that will get you closer to your goal. If every time you see a blond four year old boy who looks like your son did before he died (one of my own triggers for many years) ask yourself if falling apart right now will bring anyone back from the dead or if it will impede your progress through the day. (Please note: I am not saying it is wrong to grieve! I’m just suggesting that you allow some logic to slip in when possible.)
4. Respond respectfully. MAYBE NOT TO THE OTHER PERSON, but to yourself. Of course you’re too emotionally mature to call someone bad names like a tongue-twisted first grader. I DO mean though that you should respond in a calm way that evidences that you’ve thought it through and that you respect yourself first. You can use the “Feel, Felt, Found” method I’ve described below.
“I feel really hurt when you tell me I am not recovering fast enough from what happened. I’ve felt pushed when you’ve said “Get over it already!” before. I’ve found that not just for myself but all people process loss and pain at their own pace, and those who want to be supportive make allowances for that.”
OR “I feel accused when you yell at me for not doing something the way you wanted it done. I’ve felt bad before when other people have yelled at me. I’ve found that I respond best when someone calmly explains what they see as a problem, so that we can work together to find a solution.”
OR talking to yourself, “When I see a little boy that looks like my dead son, I feel reminded of the fact that child is alive and mine is dead. I’ve felt myself fall apart before and every time it’s happened, it has cost me hours trying to get my heart put back together. I’ve found that by allowing myself to feel this awful pain for a few minutes, it subsides and I can go on.”
5. Allow
for mistakes. Yours and others’. People get in bad moods and say mean things. People remind us of experiences and events we’d like to forget. An emotionally mature person tries to temper their response in the event of a trigger so they don’t say or do anything they might regret later. It’s called “Impulse Control” by psychiatrists. But the cherry on the sundae of emotionally maturity is having the guts to apologize when you react or over-react. “I’m sorry” can go a long way toward making amends.
You have the power to interrupt your “instant” reaction when you are triggered by an event, a comment, something you see or something else. Recognize that you are extra-sensitive when you are going through a difficult time in your life and follow the 5 steps above. Soon, you’ll find your relationships – and your heart – are getting stronger.
Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook
“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!
The Value of Skill and Flexibilityby Wendy Keller, author, inspirational speaker, compassionate woman
On my morning walk alongside the sea wall, I came upon a snowy white egret searching for breakfast among the rocks. At first, it was wary of my presence. We eyed one another for a while. Then it so slowly and cautiously resumed its task while I watched motionless.
It darted its head into the water emerged with a beakful. I could see a tiny fish wriggling for freedom. Two gulps and it was bird food. The remarkable thing was the egret’s incredible precision. A lifetime spent dependent on being able to catch a fast, tiny fish has honed the bird’s skills to the highest possible level.
It seems to me that we humans are not all that different. Sometimes life pushes us to the very brink, far beyond the edge of what we believe we are capable of handling. We have the Eternal Choice: Adapt or Die.
Species that have gone extinct have apparently “chosen” the latter.
Clinging to ways things should be means we continue to get the problems we’ve always gotten. Learning new skills for coping, for surviving, for finding our version of the tiny fish becomes mandatory when life forces us to the very edge. “Resistance is Futile”. Being willing to change, to grow, to learn new skills while keeping focused on what we want to have happen next is important. But I believe so is this addendum to every wish, every prayer: “This or something better is coming into my life right now.“ When we are attached to only ONE way of things being, of “miracles” happening, of good things working out, we limit the ability of Life to provide.
Get yourself a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook
“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis” today!
