Healthy Tips for Ending a Relationship
by Wendy Keller, author and inspirational speaker
In the scope of “bad things” that can happen in life, the end of a love relationship – a divorce or a dating relationship – doesn’t strike people as a Big Deal. But the truth is, it is. Not only is it a Big Deal, it’s extremely common. Women say, “I broke up with my boyfriend” and immediately their girlfriends recommend Next Steps.
But are those steps healthy?
Is there a way to do it “right”?
How do you heal from a break up or divorce in a healthy way?
I’ve been single-again for 18 years and I have heard thousands of stories from lovelorn friends, and certainly endured my share of romantic mishaps. I am always on the lookout for the “best practices” – things that have real life long term positive results. I’ve assembled a list that you may find helpful:
1. Recognize it as a Real Loss. It’s OK to feel any and every emotion about ending a relationship. Let yourself feel it, from anger to exhilaration to sadness to hope. It’s normal to cycle through all of those feelings in a matter of minutes….and back again… Be nice to yourself in the meantime.
2. It’s OK to be bewildered. A major part of your life has just been forcibly removed. Even if you initiated The End, it’s still a disruption in the formerly-normal patterns of your life. This will settle down in time. Take it slow. Put your life back together only when the next steps are obvious.
3. Don’t rush into the next relationship to avoid the feelings. You may want to get the party started as soon as possible, but the chances are high that you’ll be making a mistake and either end up hurting that person or yourself badly. (You can guess how I know this is true, right?)
4. A life worth living is a life worth recording. Write down/journal/type what you’re feeling when the emotions become overwhelming. THAT is the place to say every evil, mean, hurtful, rude, vile thing you may want to say about the person you formerly loved. Write down what they did to you, how you feel, and how it has impacted your life. Let it all out. This will save you from going to your mutual friends and wrecking havoc; it will keep you from saying things that you’ll later discover cause YOU major damage; and it will save you from wearing out your friends’ ear drums repeating the same “I’m a victim” stories over and over again. You’ll start to see how you can improve your own performance next time around – and there will be a next time, promise.
5. Do talk to others. Even if you’re a guy. Talk to counselors; talk to wise friends; talk to people smart enough to know that it takes two to make it work and two to pull it apart. Consciously choose to talk to people who won’t take sides – and who understand that the best thing they can do to help you right now is give you a sounding board so you can see how this happened.
6. Set a goal of NOT repeating the same mistake again. It’s a proven fact that we tend to find relationships in which the other person treats us the same way as our most difficult parent treated us. Muse on that for a bit. Is it true for you? Did you marry your mother? What traits are similar between them? The way to heal childhood issues is NOT with another person…unless that person is a therapist and not your partner. Think back to when you first met the person with whom you are now ending the relationship. Did you ignore red flags? What were they? Write them down so you don’t do it again.
I believe relationships (romantic or otherwise) enter our lives for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. Often, you don’t know when it starts how long it will go. We humans tend to hate change. See if there are things you can learn from what just happened and change your selection process next time around. Being introspective now will help you be stronger, make better choices, be able to support your friends better, and make you a deeper, wiser, more compassionate person in the future.
Would you like a copy of Wendy Keller’s FREE ebook
“The Top Ten Tips to Coping with Crisis”?
ds says:
Wendy, well over the past 52 years on this planet have had a few relationships. Have been divorced for the last 5 years and have had one date. Men are pigs! Better off without them – have been thru all of your steps and back again and still going thru them – men are just pigs not sure I want one in my life, sometimes I feel like a 3rd wheel but in the end I come back with men are pigs… even seeing my married friends and all the complain about I truly don’t need “man” drama in my life. Yes someone hurt me so deep not sure that anything will ever change my mind. Thanks for your insights!
wendy says:
Hi DS,
I’m so sorry you feel that way! Sounds like a lot, lot, lot of hurt. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been hurt. My “special guy” and I paused our relationship today by mutual consent because he’s got too much drama in his personal life to be present for “us”. That’s what prompted this post. I hope we’ll get a second shot because I’m crazy about him, but if not, well, I wish him good things. I’ve found that for me personally, following the steps I outline here will soften the pain a bit – quite a bit. We all suffer and get bumped around by life, DS. I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. I hope you find comfort, peace and a renewed ability to love and be loved. May I humbly recommend you take advantage of my free ebook? It’s in the upper right hand corner. Good wishes to you.
Namaste,
Wendy
Sharon says:
I wish I had come across thesevwise words 8 months ago when my whole world fell apart. Discovering that my 55yr old husband of only 17 months was in a relationship with a 16 yr old girl was almost too hard to handle. What I wasn’t prepared for was the anger and violence he directed at me.
I’m healing, but it’s slow and I’m still hurting. As for him, two weeks after I moved out he was on a dating site and is now living with his new lady. I feel ugly, dirty and unloveable. I thought he was the love of my life, I was so wrong.
wendy says:
Oh, Sharon! I’m so sorry to read your story! That’s truly dreadful! A 16 year old?! That makes me shudder! Please DO allow yourself plenty of time to heal, and although it’s easier said than done, do realize that this is way more about him than you. If he was making logical, honorable choices in his life, it might be about “you” or “us” but that kind of impetuous (and illegal!) behavior is evidence that something is misfiring in his mind.
Please, please take good care of yourself.
Wendy
GeeK says:
TRUE. It’s not about your true worth, it’s about his inability to see it.
I had a boyfriend a few years ago who cheated on me with a 15 year old .. and got caught. He is now a registered sex offender and we no longer talk. But it took me two years to get over the devastation and realise that it wasn’t me … it was most definitely him.
Hang in there.
Wendy says:
That just creeps me out – doesn’t it you? How in the heck does anyone justify in their head seducing a child? I remember a friend’s son had a crush on me when he was about 14-15-16. Nice kid, sweet boy, he had some issues with his real mom and I think he got his wires crossed. That just really makes me angry when people mess with children. The period of innocence is so very short anyway!
I’m glad you got away from him. Hope you find the love of your life, GeeK.
Wendy
Kim says:
Sharon:
I know how you’re feeling. My husband, who I thought was my soul mate, cheated on me with one of his ex-girlfriends that was 10 years younger than me and then tried to say that it never happened. Of course, I’m not with him any longer, but the hurt from that took a long time to get over and to be quite honest, I don’t think I’m over it completely yet because I haven’t been able to even think about having another relationship. I want nothing to do with men right now. I wish you and anyone else that has to go through this type of suffering a much better life in the future!
Wendy says:
Kim, thanks for caring enough to comment on Sharon’s post. You’re a dear!
Wendy
Ape says:
I am 16 weeks, 3 days pregnant. I had been with my ex boyfriend for the last 7 months. I have one son already who is 14 years old. To make a very long story short, I found out back in Jan that my boyfriend at the time had stolen a check from my place of work and had also stolen my credit card…. It was all paid back and at that time I found out I was pregnant with his child. We just broke up again for the last and final time. I’m still so in love with him and really struggling. He was in prison for 6 years for theft and was released last August and I met him shortly after. He has obviously continued stealing. He lies constantly, he has always had this problem and I found out last night that he also cheated on me back in November. He has 3 other children and pays nothing for them and never has. I am so afraid to start over by myself. I just bought a home in my name only and like I said before I have a son already… Please, any advice, help suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I am so afraid of having to go thru this by myself… I keep thinking that it will get easier. It’s just been over two weeks now and the pain isn’t going away… 🙁
wendy says:
Dear April,
I can only guess what it’s like to be pregnant, responsible and scared. I raised my daughter from age two forward, and unfortunately, her father’s ethics did not include paying child support. Most women I’ve known – from every economic level from very poor to very wealthy – don’t get child support. April, you’re lucky in this way: you don’t have to worry about the damage this man would have on your 14 yr old boy nor your precious new baby. I hope you have friends or family who can be there with you for the birth and the early days of mothering, but frankly dear, it does seem like you dodged a really awful situation.
Give yourself time. Focus on the baby and your new house and the fact you may have literally dodged a bullet. Sending you loving good wishes.
Wendy
Ape says:
I forgot to mention I will be 35 when this baby is born…..
mustang says:
I can relate, I am going through a divorce/ custody battle….I have a 26 and 22 year from my first marriage and then an 8 year old from this marriage…i turned 40 3 days after she was born…
dada daramola says:
I dont know what do at all am very confuse because i trust my woman with all my heart to the extend i believe she is d best woman in world but stab from d back .some time i fill like taken my life because i belive i can live with her but all the same pack out with my son but told me that she is waiting for me when am rich she will come back is it possible?
adam says:
I have to ask. If he was so special? And with his drama. Have you not added to his drama and pain. When we select a partner…are we not supposed to be there for them? Help and love them? I was in a 2 year relationship ….that ended because I had drama in my life. I was confused by this. She had a incredible amount of drama in hers. From broken home. Abuse and a very horrible past. I loved and breathed it all in. And took on any and all pain she had. I would not think twice of leaving her side. Then when my drama started. Yes she warned me it would happen. Mine had to deal with a ex and custody of my child. I needed her. And said she could not deal with more drama in her life. So I felt hurt and lost. And not more pain and the feeling of loss. We only will email from time to time. I know she loves me. We had a connection like no other. She is my heart. So I wonder why this happened. And find it interesting you did the same thing to the one you love.
wendy says:
Hi Adam,
I’m sure each person’s circumstances are different, as are their tolerance levels and “bandwidth” for dealing with pain. Sounds like you have some grieving to do over the loss of your love. I hope you will come to a place of peace over her and find someone whose partnership is right for you.
Wendy
Patricia says:
I am married 26 years, the last 6 have been hell due to his substance abuse. It was there when we started dating, but I thought my love would help him not want to continue when i found out I was pregnant. Things were good for 20 years. Then the last 6 the abuse started again, but he was able to stop and then the last 2 1/2 half i found out that he was smoking fake weed, which is really bad for you, better to smoke the real crap than this stuff. It is sending teenagers to the ER with heart attacks. Long story short due to the economy he worked out of state and started to smoke this I just found out 6 months ago when I caught him, I did not know about the previous time. The addict behavior..lying,the behavior of selfishness, etc., I have told him I want to end our marriage cuz this makes me a very not so nice person because of his stupidity, he’s been arrested 2 for DUI and just recently for reckless driving for smoking this crap but it does not show up on a drug test. Soooo…I can’t take it anymore, he has continued to do this no matte what i say or threatened. To top it off he is now in the hospital for chest pains…but won’t be honest with the dr’s about what he has been smoking…how do you leave somebody that is in the situation.. I guess you just have to leave no matter the consquences. HELP!
Wendy says:
Patricia,
Your story brought tears to my eyes! I dated and then married a man whose addiction I thought I could solve if I just loved him enough. His drinking was a contributing factor – although not the only factor – that led to the deaths of both our children. And I still stayed, had another baby with him (she’s 20 now) and am always surprised when even now he calls me inebriated – although I haven’t lived with him for 18 yrs.
I am NOT a psychiatrist, just a woman who has walked a path similar to yours and paid a high price for the journey. I can say only this: you must, must, must take care of yourself. Enabling an addict is exhausting! Chances are, you’re going to need to work with some kind of therapist who can help you release this relationship, if that’s the best thing, or if he is willing to change (likely he is not) then to heal the trust that is broken in these situations.
Please, Patricia! Please get professional help.
Wishing you love and joy,
Wendy
mustang says:
i can relate, mine too was addicted when we got married…i was pregant and then after she was born i started smoking it and have quit last year…i had a good life with my 2 sons before this…he moved out and now we are fighting over my daughter… our lawyers now all about it since he kept threatening me over everything..i have been going to counseling since last year. i want to get my old life back, how it was before him. i just want my daughter with me. he has hurt his back not the first time, he was either sick or hurt our whole marriage i have always worked..kind of versed roles…not my choice.i even bought the house we lived in before i was with him…please pray that i will get custody..he needs help, and i need to learn to not be co-dependent any more!!!
Kerry says:
I can vouch for yr steps. I am still recovering from betrayal & divorce, and found much relief in what you’re saying here. I’m a natural journaller & found that writing helped me get my anger & frustration out in a healthy way. The value of good therapy cannot be underestimated. I am now friends with my ex-husband which is the healthiest way for my sons to survive this episode in their young little lives. Thanks for sharing. I will recommend to a very hurt friend of mine – you articulate so beautifully! (Hugs) Kerry
Wendy says:
Aww, shucks. Thanks Kerry. I’m friends now with my ex-husband, too. I once heard them called “Was-bands”, which I find a kinder term. Anyway, congratulations on journaling through it – makes such a difference, doesn’t it? And you can track your growth.
Wishing you much love, joy and happiness. Thanks for commenting.
Wendy
GeeK says:
I’ve just been dumped by a guy who I loved, and yes I’ve run the gamut of emotions from bewilderment to fury to heartbreak. I enjoyed reading your article and will be downloading your e-book as soon as I’ve finished typing this comment.
I think one of the things that can be added to the list is to find new things to do, and indulge in other passions. I’ve found that spending a day with a new friend walking her dog in the woods was the most fantastic bit of fresh air – both physical and mental. I felt tired but happy afterwards.
I’ve also signed up to go to an event for one of my new hobbies, it’s in another city and I’m taking a friend with me. I think it’s good to have something to look forward to.
Looking forward to reading your e-book too! Thanks, Wendy x
Wendy says:
GREAT POINT!
Yes, finding distracting things to do is a wonderful way to get through the pain of a break-up. Hope you love the ebook. I’d be grateful for your feedback.
Thanks again.
Wendy
Maggie says:
Sharon,
never do that to yourself ! nobody is unloveble! is not your fault …he made his choice, but i am pretty sure shortly he will regret you badly.
I think you are wrong, he was the love of your life, maybe you weren’t his…happens, i know it 🙁 and i know one other thing…after anger is consumed you will dicover you still love him no matter what, but you have to learn to live without him bacuse he just dont deserve you ! leaving you is his loss !
Maggie
Wendy says:
Maggie, I love it that you are an impassioned, empathetic person! Thanks for encouraging Sharon.
tatlim says:
My husband left me Sept last year, i was devastated and it came totally out of the blue.
7 months on i realise that life will be good for me again, i still miss my man terribly and would welcome him back with open arms even though i know it would be the wrong thing to do.I love him very much and have told him i want him to be happy, and i hope he finds what hes looking for, if you love someone let them go!!!
I have repeated the same mistakes with all my relationships and now im taking time out to discover who i am and learn to like myself before i even contemplate getting into another relationship…good luck to everybody starting out on this nightmare journey, be strong, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel!x
Wendy says:
Tatlim,
I LOVE it that you are “taking time out to discover who I am”! Without that phase when something ends – divorce, a relationship, a death, any type of loss – we doom ourselves to repeating the same blind errors. Brava! Brava!
Sending you good wishes. May your life overflow with love and good things.
Wendy
Nagasaki says:
Hi Wendy,
My partner of 27 months recently broke up with me. I had given her a ring and we’d discussed marriage. She met someone which sparked her to call time on it (we were long distance). A lot of our issues seemed circumstance is it wrong to think we can reconcile when I get closer? I was across an ocean and I still feel deep down she will be my wife one day.
The fact shes met someone and already “Gone the whole way” after a week hurts hugely but I know she was just lonely. She’s a hugely unique individual and I just can’t see myself with anyone else (it has only been 2 weeks).
Namaste
Wendy says:
Hi Nagasaki,
How I wish I had a crystal ball to help you, other readers and even myself! Sometimes it seems as though something “so right” for one person just “isn’t meant to be” for another.
I’ve noticed that when one partner is left devastated and the other moves on, it is usually an indication that there will not be a reconciliation, although I’m sure there are exceptions. I also believe that the fact that we suffer so deeply for love is a sparkling testament to the fact that we CAN love.
You deserve to be with a woman who loves you as wholly as you love her. Perhaps rather than carry a torch, a better use of your heart would be to try to focus on what traits made her “hugely unique” and learn from this what is truly meaningful to you – and then when you’re ready, seek out women who match those criteria.
Best wishes and Namaste,
Wendy
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Caroline says:
Hello I need some advice, I met a man fell in love and despite the recent end of his marriage- before I met him , although had only moved out a few months prior we had a relationship, 2 weeks ago he said that he needed space as he said that I wanted commitment and he wasn’t ready etc, there is a lot more to this, but only a few weeks before he said he needed space I met his parents and we were talking about living together! and left I am heart broken. I have had no contact with him in the meantime but what does space mean? Is it over? And if it is space how long does it mean? I just don’t know what to do any advice WLAN be great?
Wendy says:
Hi Caroline,
Ouch! That sounds very painful! So sorry you’re having to go through this. A lot of separated and/or divorcing people seem to get overwhelmed by the drama, the legal paperwork, the therapy if they’re in it, the needs and feelings of their children, things other adults say to them, etc. I don’t know if you’ve gotten divorced in your life or not, but it’s a crazy, overwhelming time and most people can barely even function at work much less in their personal lives while enduring this phase.
My best advice is to just let it ride. Use his crazy time to force yourself to get your life together, whether that’s losing the last 10 lbs., cleaning the garage or finally planting those petunias in your yard. In other words, force yourself to focus on something else – especially something that makes your body move and your brain relax.
I hope you get what you want with this guy. Newly separated men are a classic risk for any woman. Sending you a big hug and a box of virtual chocolates…
Wendy
Brenda says:
Shared this with a pastor because of the title. Although I am not even a “close personal friend/s”(CPF) of this pastor, I feel that all relationships, even just friend type relationships involving grieving. I have no idea if she read it, doubt it because she likes to think she is immune to this type of need/help which is too bad since she claims to be an itinerant pastor.
JJ says:
Hi Wendy
It feels as if I’m living in a constant break-up. I’ve been married for 2 years only now but my husband is extremely moody and dissatisfied with life. He’s very unhappy with his current job and grumpy.. I also struggle to deal with stress and I know I’m not always perfect but I do love him dearly and he knows this. But there’s a pattern in our relationship that whenever he feels unhappy with me he tells me our marriage is over and expects me to sleep in another room. Several days later (after refusing to be disturbed) he would return saying he didn’t mean it. I’ve been going through this so many times and its happening again right now…I don’t know if its for real this time and feel quite emotionally drained…help?
Wendy says:
JJ,
Well, I’m not a doctor (and I don’t even play one on TV!) but I think the first question to ask you is “Why in the HECK are you putting up with that behavior????” That sounds really cruel and unfair to me. It’s your home, too, and you have no reason to be sent to the guest room! And further, no one EVER should threaten the end of a relationship unless they mean it. This is alarming behavior to me. Rush to marriage counseling! If he won’t do it, you’ve got some major decisions to make. No one should put up with that kind of emotional abuse, JJ. No one. Please get help.
May your life be filled with love, joy and peace.
Wendy
Treena says:
Hi Wendy.
I went thru the steps and the comments from the readers. I am also deep pain and don’t know where to begin. My husband for almost 5yrs separated with me last 1st of April 2012. Our marriage was on the rocks from last year due to financial debts and family issues like no time for family, as he always hang around with his colleagues from work to drink. Until last December I have noticed some changes on him and in January 2012, I saw a picture on the social network that was not appropriate for a married man embracing another woman on the bar/night club. Although most of the picture taken they were beside each other, i confronted him and he said it was nothing and denied anything until i caught him having an affair last Februar with the same person on the picture. This he admitted and said sorry. He told me to let my anger out as its his fault and he will understand. A week after he relocated to another city, 1hr drive and he took the job as he wants to correct things and have a family life. God knows how much I tried to make it easy in March and it was not easy as i was in the process of healing, he took it that I neglected him. Yes, I was not that sweet to hime anymore bcoz I felt betrayed and I was fighting my emotions to build back the family for our 4yrs old daughter’s sake. But everytime I asked him where he is, he gets mad. I wanted to know as we live separately incase something happens as it worry me also but he took it differently. He got very angry and stopped talking to me. It’s almost 3 weeks since we saw each other although he visits our daughter in my place while i am at work and leaves before I come home. I tried many times to call him to talk but refused and said he doesn’t want to talk and see me anymore. I even told him nobody is perfect even I have my shortcomings on you and i ask forgiveness from you on that but does not mean you are a bad person. We all deserve a second chance. Our daughter needs us and we need to work together, but instead he just told me that he will remain as the father of our daughter but we will separate. After what happened, I felt the whole world shuttered on me. I am not perfect, maybe I nag on him about his drinking only bcoz I care about him and his health but he took it that i was controlling him. I was in pain, on the healing process and then was dumped over. I beg him to talk to me so we can agree on things but refused and keeps avoiding me. I loved him and we need him, but he doesn’t care anymore even our daughter is very affected as she keeps telling i love my mom and dad and I want them together always. Her mood drastically changed and I can feel and see how much she is affected. Now I am planning for divorce but I am scared as the muslim law is different and that he might have the custody of the child. I don’t know what to do anymore, I felt stuck and scared anytime he will run away with our daughter as he holds her passport.
Wendy says:
Hi Treena,
OK, I’m no expert, but if I were you I would IMMEDIATELY report her passport as lost or stolen! That’s probably the safest thing you can do! And then just never replace it…until you’re in control.
As for the other stuff, I’m sorry you’re facing this. I can imagine how scary it is, and how vulnerable it makes you feel. Try to take a break from it – walk in nature or swim or meditate to see if you can get to a calmer place, so you can make better decisions to protect and heal yourself and her.
I hope things improve for you soon.
Sending love and good wishes,
Wendy
Teresa says:
i was married for 18 years, I came home from a girls vacation with my daughter to him saying we need to talk…. he was leaving me and i didn’t even unpack my bag yet. I asked to can we go see some one and work it out…NO he said. I have seen himgo through 2 girlfriends and now lives in the same apt complex as me. i get to watch him move on as i am left hurting. it has been 2 years and i look but i am not what men look for…no super model here. i am afaid i will never find some one and that hurts but for the most part, how do you turn a love of 18 years off? he seems to be able too. but i still deep down love him. I was in it for the long haule.
Wendy says:
Goodness, Teresa! It seems incredibly cruel to live in the same complex as your ex! It sounds like that was his idea. Did this “love” of yours have some mean streak? I can’t believe he’d do that to you! When the lease gets close to being up, please love yourself enough to get out of his physical proximity. It’s just awful to watch him be the Man About Town while you suffer.
Teresa, I have a friend who is a decent looking guy, smart, funny and interesting. His wife is lively, intelligent, pretty and about 150 lbs overweight. They’ve been together quite happily for nearly 30 yrs. It isn’t all about supermodels. I believe you have to love yourself before anyone can love you, and if you are watching him live his life, you’re frankly not being very loving to yourself, my dear.
Please, please take this in: You are a human being worthy of love, respect and appreciation. Start by giving yourself those things and watch the world around you change.
Peace, love and joy,
Wendy
Lori says:
First of all, I must tell you, I just found your writings and absolutely love how you write and the honesty that you speak from.
My heart goes out to all the commenters as I can relate far too well to their stories and feelings.
I have been through my own good share of failed relationships and 2 divorces. Almost every one of these relationships was abusive. It wasn’t until I reached the “enough bridge” that I decided to STOP and just focus on myself. Part of my reaching the enough bridge was a counselor (a man that specialized in working with abusers)that I had in a pain program that I was going through. Without me saying anything, he was able to see that I was in an abusive relationship. When he confronted me on this, I defended my boyfriend with, “But I love him and I know that even though he does these mean things to me that he really does love me.” His response is what woke me up. He said, “He loves you alright. And one of these days he is going to love you to death.” At first I didn’t get it, but he kept repeating it until the light went on.
I then began a journey of not only self discovery but healing as well. I discovered that one common factor in all those bad failed relationships was me. I wasn’t loving myself. Instead of running when they showed the first sign of being an abuser I stayed. I taught them that it was okay to treat me in such disrespect. I had this distorted belief that if I was loving and good enough, I could change them and they would stop hurting me. Yes, I grew up with an abusive father, whom taught me to tolerate above and beyond what is normal. And coming to an understanding of my father and our relationship freed me to really face myself.
I had to stop and face myself in the mirror and stop being so hard on myself and start treating myself with the same grace, love and understanding that I had for others and even the men that had hurt me. I took a vow of not dating until I had made it through this journey of healing.
During this time of healing I practiced the things you suggest in this article. It wasn’t an over night healing…it took months…days and nights of crying and grieving over the past and hurt. It was time spent alone with myself. It was a process of facing my demons and learning how to really love myself. I had to give myself grace. I took responsibility for my part in the broken relationships. I stopped feeling “alone” and actually enjoyed being alone with myself. I hungered to know peace and to feel healed from the inside out.
It took me a year to reach the other side and then I felt a peace about being alone. I no longer had anger or hatred toward “men”. I no longer seen them as the enemy. In fact, I forgave all the men that had abused me and no longer harbor an ounce of bad feelings towards them. Instead I learned from them and the experiences I had with them and actually ended up feeling sad for them.
I found myself and began a love relationship with myself and eventually found a man that treats me so wonderful. We have been married now for 6 years. He has never raised his voice at me let alone his hand. This is my new normal and I love it!
I just want people to know that there is hope and a future after heartache or abuse. But it starts with us loving ourselves enough to not settle. We don’t have to live with or tolerate toxic people. We can be happy again and free of the hurts that run so deep.
Thank you for this article. I will book mark it to pass on to others that need to read it. I look forward to continueing to read your writings! Blessings!
Wendy says:
Lori! What an inspiring story of recovery! Thanks for sharing it. You’re proof things really CAN get better once you decide to make them so and do the work.
Wishing you and your husband many happy years ahead,
Wendy
Debbie says:
Any thoughts or suggestions on what to do when all I want is to be in a nice relationship.
I was married for 18 yrs to an alcoholic. Finally got a divorce (that was 7 1/2 yrs ago).
I went through a period of dating all kinds of men and thinking having sex would make them want me. NO!!! it didn’t.
then I met a great (or so I thought) guy online. we lived 400 miles apart, but saw each other like every other month. He knew I wanted a relationship and told me long distance relationships do work. Well, after almost 2 yrs, I find out on Facebook that he is in a relationship with some other woman. couldn’t even bother to tell me first. It took me a long time to get over him (like 5 months). I swore I never wanted to meet anyone again because the hurt was too bad.
Then I did meet someone. Turned out that he went to high school with my younger deceased brother. We hit it off great! Then he tells me that he can’t be the kind of boyfriend that I deserve and it’s just too much pressure. He moved and gave me his new address. I sent him a card only to have it come back. He won’t answer my calls, won’t return my texts.
I have no friends to do anything with, don’t even know what my interests are. I have tried to see a therapist, but that doesn’t seem to be helping.
Any thoughts, suggestions, help from anyone?
Wendy says:
Hi Debbie,
I am so sorry for your situation! It sounds like if the therapist you saw isn’t helping, you might have the wrong therapist. Try one who is a different age or gender, and give it at least 4 visits before you make a decision. I learned that in therapy, the ones I resist the most are usually the ones with the most to teach me.
Wishing you much love and joy,
Wendy
Meghan says:
Wendy,
Two weeks ago my boyfriend of 3 years ended our relationship. He suffers from depression and it was fine for the first 2.5 years of our relationship, however it has stirred up again these past 6 months. He ended the relationship by telling me he’s fallen out of love with me and that he doesn’t see marriage in our future.
I understand that medically he needs time to heal and be a healthy person on his own, but it hurts he doesn’t want me there when I’m the only person he’s ever told. I also understand that even if we stayed together our relationship wouldn’t be healthy because he isn’t in a healthy place. I can see how much the depression is impacting his life and I strongly believe it’s the depression that has caused him to feel this way about us as a couple. I don’t feel that I’ m in denial about that either, having lived with him I know how he is. I see how he stays inside, lacks energy or desires, cuts friends or family out of his life when stressed. He has also recently come to terms with this when I spoke to him. He knows he needs help, and he says he’s willing to get it, but frankly I’ll believe it when it happens.
I am at a loss here. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve been keeping myself busy these two weeks by spending time with friends, family, and redecorating, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts. I think about him constantly. All of my hopes and dreams I had are now gone because he was an integral part.
I don’t know how to move from this point because while I understand that he needs time to help himself medically, what if this is just the depression? How do I move on knowing he’s unable to see clearly? He even calls his own head “cloudy” right now. I am a strong, confident woman who now feels lost and confused.
What do you think?
Wendy says:
Hello Meghan
I’m so sorry to hear you’re hurting. Sounds like a very difficult time in your life, and in his. Surely by allowing him room to go through his own stuff, you’ll find yourself feeling stronger. I was away when you wrote me, I bet you’re already feeling more stable? I think it’s great that you’re grappling with ways to let him blossom into the fuller version of the man he will be when this stage of his life is over.
Much love,
Wendy