Bereaved parents suffer in ways no one can imagine. There’s not only the loss of your beloved child, but the stark reality that life continues relentlessly – even though it seems only fair that it should stop now. No one should ever have to go through such anguish. But here you are. 

 

To compound the pain, there are still bills to pay and perhaps other children to care for. The funeral was far too many details and decisions and may linger on as “the worst day of your life.” Well-meaning but clueless people say hurtful things. Others imply that you should be “over that” by now. 

 

Your partner grieves the loss of your child in one way, and you may grieve in a very different way. When both my children died in a car accident in 1991, my husband soon became an alcoholic. Eventually, I became a workaholic from my shiny new wheelchair. Although my addiction was considered more "socially acceptable", it was not. Our respective behaviors left us too empty to heal and too devastated to support one another when we needed it most. Often, when one was up and struggling to be “OK” that day, the other’s grief attack would yank us both back down into the abyss of anguish.

 

Since those dark days, I’ve counseled hundreds of bereaved parents. What I’ve seen over and over again is that the fallout after a child dies is often as tragic as the loss itself. Parents who have lost a child sometimes:

 

            + Experience severe marital trouble that may lead to divorce.

            + Feel adrift, numb, lost - as if the world is not real all around them.

+ Experience physical side effects – from vague maladies to serious conditions like cancer or “unintentional” injuries.

            + Lose jobs from inability to concentrate

            + Become depressed or sluggish

+ Withdraw from their other children, or smother them out of fear

            + Sleep disturbances

            + Abiding sense of isolation “No one can understand this pain…”

+ A physical aching for the deceased child – to hold, touch, smell, hear, see the child again.

+ Frequent, unexpected, unwelcome “Surprise Triggers” – memories set off by seeing a child that looks like yours did, is the same age, same name, an item of clothing, a toy, game, book, song, etc.

+ Apathy toward everything and everyone

+ Rapid emotional shifts through rage, melancholy, fear, panic, depression and other “unexplainable” feelings

+ Acting out some or all of those negative feelings, or a strong desire to die.

+ Obsessive-compulsive disorder – the desire to control everything from now on

+ Terror that another child of yours might die

+ Inability to conceive

+ Having a “replacement baby” too soon and denying that’s what you’ve done.

+ Estrangement from the marriage

+ Addictions to anti-depressants, food, sex, drugs, internet porn, smoking, narcotics, sleeping pills, “support” groups, work, exercise, etc.

+ Fear of falling asleep at night or other sleep disorders (such as sleeping more than 10 hours a day)

+ Social isolation and extreme wariness

+ Secret concern that this is your “new normal”

 

If you or someone you care about is experiencing any of these symptoms after the death of a child, it’s time to get some help. Don’t suffer in silence, letting years of sadness chew at your soul. You love your dead child. You cannot prove that love by killing your own life now. 

 

The “It Can’t Get Worse Than This, can it?” Workshop is specifically designed to help bereaved parents.  You will learn:

 

► Coping Strategies.  The day-to-day best methods for how to handle your grief and your life side by side. How to be the best of yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, and find joy again.

 

► The Five Stages of Emotional Healing TM.  These are the crucial Five Stage you will pass through if you wish to fully recover.  Kubler-Ross' seminal book on "stages of dying" had little to do with how parents mourn a child.  THIS is the truth about how parents can voluntarily "make it better" in their hearts, minds and lives - without diminishing their relationship with your lost child or "pretending" or "suppressing" your pain.

 

► Managing the Bad Days.  A careful composite of the best coping strategies gleaned from many parents who have lost children all ways and all ages, this grab-bag of useful tools will lead you to feel like you are in a little bit more control of the bad days - and they are not in control of you.

 

►Love After Loss.  When loving your partner is part of the last thing on your overwhelmed mind, how do you find ways to still love and nurture your mate and your relationship?  These practical tools give you the power to strengthen or even save your relationship with the other parent.  You'll learn to make clear-minded, non-reactive decisions about your marriage's future and choose to love in a whole new, refreshing way.

 

►  Parenting Through the Pain.  If you have or had another child after yours died, you know the emotional needs of the living children give little time for your own pain, and your behaviors can result in causing more problems for your other children.  Do you find yourself going in several times a night for a "breathing check"?  Do you panic when he takes the car and doesn't return on curfew?  Do your reactions to and with your other child(ren) secretly seem excessive, even to you?  Perhaps you vary between over-protection and figuring, "What's the use?"  Parenting after the loss of a child affects not just your life and your family dynamic, but the way you heal as a person, a parent and how your other children - born before or after - will come to view their own lives.

 

► Guilt, God and Gossip:  Suggestions for handling all three.  You've heard of "survivor guilt" and may even be living it.  Perhaps you directly or indirectly caused the death of your child and now carry that "death sentence" for life.  Perhaps the last words were said in anger.  Perhaps you've grown phenomenally more religious since your child died - and your spouse has not.  Or the opposite.  Or maybe you're both giving "heaven" the finger.   And what about other people? Geez!  The gossip, the whispering. Some people treat you like spun glass, some like an old shoe.  Friendships change, beliefs and behaviors change, people change, life changes dramatically after a child dies. Now what?

 

► Laughing, loving and living again.  It's possible to create a better life out of the ashes of your old - believe it or not. There are many bereaved parents (like me) who, although we'd all take our children back alive in a moment if that were possible, really and truly have found deeply satisfying, richly rewarding joy in the lives we live subsequent to our childrens' deaths.  How do you find your joie de vivre again?  This segment gives you ways to find the silver lining - for real.