Hmmm. My exuberant enthusiasm for my pending freedom has waned some. I took a book called “Awakening At Midlife” (Brehony) to the lounge chairs overlooking the marina channel this morning. I sat out there luxuriating in the sea air and the sunshine, reading, underlining massive portions and watching the boats and yachts passing. I ate crisp, fresh organic blueberries. A bee came to briefly inspect my hat. I had a friendly chat with a neighbor who strolled by.
I came back in to make some lunch and afterward, reclined on the couch watching the Science channel for about five minutes. I quickly realized it was more interesting to watch our dog Lucky. He was having some sort of dream or nightmare. His partly-open eyes moved in REM sleep state. His horizontal hind legs were racing and leaping over the carpet. His nostrils were flaring. His breath became that of a marathon runner.
Like the sleeping dog, at this point my racing is mostly in place. Midlife is a time when all our unlived dreams bubble up to the surface, when the soul cries out for wholeness and integration. My soul is bubbling with ideas, memories and truths – all parts of me I tossed aside in the mad rush to raise a successful child and run a successful company. I see freedom coming over the horizon, but truth be told, I’ve had increasing freedom for a long time. Years. Have I used it to integrate my unlived Self into my reality? Only in small ways from time to time. I am facing the daunting task of being OK with the messiness of this transition in my life until it naturally sorts itself out. But by instinct, I am trying to use the wrong tools to build the new Me — things like “Goal Setting” and “Take Massive Action” and “Act As If” and “Half of Success is Showing Up.” Those are the self-help tools that helped me in the first half of my life. I find now that they are like trying to hammer in a nail with a fistful of spaghetti.
I’m coming to appreciate the wisdom in the old adage, “What got you here won’t get you there.” My stepdad Larry always says the dogs are “chasing bunnies” when they have these sorts of active dreams. Like Lucky, though, if I chase my bunnies in real life, what are the odds that I’ll really catch one? And what the heck will I do with it if I do?