Wendy\'s Blog

Yesterday, I told a friend that I am unable to get out of a situation that isn’t working in my life because I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

To be honest with myself, what I meant by that is “I don’t want to go through the unpleasant drama that other person is highly likely to create if I tell them what I really feel.”  So instead, I just minimize contact to the best of my ability.

My friend challenged me on this “dishonesty”.  That challenge caused me to examine myself more closely.  This is a recurring theme in my life! For the first time, I realized how many times I ignore or excuse others’ unfair, unkind or impolite behaviors just to “keep the peace”.  I have this fantasy that I am being kind because I am accepting the other person just as they are. Ironically, in my work life, I am fierce when I see an injustice against one of my clients or myself. But in my personal life?  Well, I am overly non-confrontational.

I rationalize that it isn’t really that big of a deal when someone often says mean things, or if I continue to associate with a person whose personality I no longer want to be around, or if someone seems to pull me down emotionally every time I’m around them.

Upon reflection, I see this pattern started in childhood. I felt like I had to be always alert Continue reading

Need to make a tough decision?


Here are 3 Steps to Help You Make the Right Choice

Most rational adults can see both sides of a decision: the upside and the downside. Sometimes, this skill keeps us frozen in indecision. This blog will give you 3 memorable strategies you can use every time you feel trapped between “Yes” and “No”.

1The List Method:  Your head and your heart need to be involved in decision making.  To “hear” each side fairly, take two sheets of paper. Write your question as succinctly as possible across the top of each page.  Draw a vertical line down the middle of each.  Label one side “Pros” – those things that are likely positive outcomes – and the other side “Cons” for those outcomes that may not be so ideal.

In the upper right hand corner of one sheet, draw a heart.  In the same location on the other sheet, draw a brain.

In a quiet location where you will not be disturbed for at least 15 minutes, choose the “Brain” sheet and spend some time writing down what you think will be the pros and cons of making this decision.  Come back and add more to this page a few times over the next day or two, to be sure you didn’t miss anything.

When that is complete, repeat this exercise with the “Heart” sheet.  Spend some time writing down what you feel will be the pros and cons of making this decision.  Oftentimes, we make a decision with one part of us without considering the other. This method, an adaptation of one popularized long ago by the great Benjamin Franklin, will help you be sure to include both parts of you.  That way, you can be certain you are making a balanced decision.


2The Time Machine Method:  Pretend that you’ve made a firm choice either way.  Then strap yourself into your time machine and speed into the future. Assuming the best possible outcome, if you made this decision today, what would you expect to have happen in the next week, month, six months, year and five years?  Write it down or play it out in your head, in full color, as if you are watching a movie on fast forward. What’s life like for you and all concerned in those future dates?  Is life better or worse? Are you happier or less happy?

Emerge from your time machine, take off your helmet, shake out your hair and…climb back in. Now repeat this exercise with the opposite decision.  Fast forward into the future. Assume the best possible outcome. What is life like for you and those you care about next week, month, six months, year and five years? Look around. Is this outcome what you desired?

The Time Capsule will give you these three benefits: You end up with more clarity about how the decision will affect your life; you open your eyes to factors that you may not have previously considered; and you can now surge forward with confidence, knowing you’re making the right choice.


3The CEO Method:  Executives and entrepreneurs have to make decisions every day that affect people and money.  Imagine how stressful that becomes!  One of the best bits of advice I got early in my life as an entrepreneur was this: “50% of your decisions are going to be right; 50% of your decisions are going to be wrong. Your only solution is to decide faster.” 


Yes!  Think of the energy you’re expending right now by being indecisive. Look around. Most decisions are reversible.  There are couples who separate – a decision – and then get back together – another decision.  There are people who stick a For Sale sign in their front yards – and then yank it back out a few months later.  Very few things are irreversible.

Even of those that are, there are endless future decisions that could make things turn out better than you can even imagine right now. Hate your job and want to leave?  Fine.  Want to work in a different industry? Fine. Find out you don’t like that industry either? Fine.  Start in a new one, start your own company or do something completely different.

We’re often trapped by fear in our decisions, frozen by thoughts of the fallout. But the minute we take a deep breath, implement one or all of the strategies outlined here and have the courage to act on what our intuition tells us because of these methods, the better we become at decision making and the more confident we become in our ability to trust ourselves.


Like making decisions? Hate it? Want to add a strategy you use to help the readers of this blog? Please comment below.


If you’re depressed, you are all too familiar with that listless, foggy, draggy feeling. Depression can negatively affect our personal lives, our work life, our sense of ambition.  Left unmanaged, it can snowball into much bigger problems.

As a cloud of gloom settles on you and the depression makes you too exhausted to do anything, these simple time-tested remedies can at least give you a little step in the right direction so that you can soon overcome that empty feeling.

1Force Yourself to Go to Bed at the Same Time Every Night.  That means, under the covers, lights out.  Many scientific studies have proven that the way to get little kids to go to bed is to build a routine – the same things happen in the same order each night so they are triggered into sleepiness. Turns out, it works for grownups too! My routine when I feel a depression cloud coming on: 45 minutes before my chosen bedtime, I turn off all electronics; take a warm shower; wear my most comfortable jammies;  turn off all the lights except the reading lamp beside my bed; then read a well-written book that interests me mentally but does not grab me emotionally.  This takes my mind off my problems.  I quit reading as soon as my eyelids get too heavy. Poof! I’m asleep fast and the last thing on my mind has nothing to do with the thing(s) I think are making me feel blue.

2Go Third Person on Yourself.  When a writer writes a story, he has the choice to use what is called “first person” or “third person”.  First person is, “I went to the store.”  Third person is, “She went to the store.”  One common trait among depressed people is Continue reading


So you don’t have Warren Buffett’s money, Angelina Jolie’s good looks, Mother Teresa’s charitable heart, or Richard Branson’s business skills?

Drat. Me neither.

I wonder if the cave men sat around the campfire wondering if some tribe 100 miles west had better tasting antelope or more comfy animal skins to sleep on? Probably not.

So why do we allegedly modern humans compare ourselves to one another – and most of the time find ourselves coming up short?

Could it be the fault of television and the internet?

How else would a person living today on the Mongolian steppes even know there are palm trees in Hollywood?

How would some kid being raised in poverty in an inner city slum even realize that some other kids have two parents and a bedroom stuffed with toys in a clean, peaceful, safe suburb?

What Does It Do for Us When We Compare Our Lives with Those of Another?

I can think of three benefits: Continue reading

Do You Suffer from Low Self-Esteem?

Think back to your younger years. Were you raised by the perfect parents, people who supported you and your interests, encouraged you to go as far as you could, to spread your wings and soar? Did you know that they had your back and there was always a safe place called “home” to which you could return?

No? Wish you’d had those kind of people raising you? Bad News: They are a myth. A myth that does us no good.

Most people grow up being raised by inadequately prepared human beings who were raised by other inadequately prepared human beings back into the mists of time. Some people even grow up with damaged, malicious parents who didn’t even try. Maybe your home was OK but you had a sibling or a bully in your life whose sole purpose was to make you miserable. Maybe you took a wrong turn and ended up dropping out of school, marrying the wrong person, having a kid too early in your life, losing a good job or blowing all your money.

Maybe somewhere between your glorious, potential-filled moment of birth and today, things have not turned out so good.

Welcome to the planet! A lot of people have reached adulthood with our so-called self-esteem in tatters, or worse – completely gone.

Suspect that might be you?

The Self Esteem Quiz

(Answer Yes or No to the questions below) Continue reading

“Good” people are taught they should forgive their abusers.

“Bad” people are embroiled in hate, submerged anger or depression. (*Depression is defined as “Anger turned inward”)

Using this ridiculously simple, black & white worldview, will you label yourself a “good” person or a “bad” one?

I vote for neither.

  • A woman in her 50s nursed her dying stepfather in his last years…the same man who abused her and her 3 siblings often. She wanted to be a “good” person. She came up with a long list of “reasons” that justified his abuse of his new wife’s children, even while he spoiled his own natural kids.


  • An elderly man is still mourning his mentally unstable mother some 20 years after her death. The same mother who often left him alone in their Bronx apartment, without adequate food or protection from the neighborhood gangs…when he was four years old until he ran away when he was 14.


  • A busy working mother in her 30s still leaps to serve her parents, two miserably unhappy, alcoholic, always bickering people who were so caught up in their own misery that they ignored her and her sister entirely.

While it is likely true that forgiveness will make you feel better (many religions and some therapists ask you to consider this option) and probably even will help you move on with your life, those caught up in trying to please an unpleasable (or dead) person are locked into a cycle of misery. How long do you want to stay miserable?

Do you find yourself consumed with trying to finally get love from, soothe or mend a broken relationship with any abusive person in your life?

Have you come to a place where you can justify the abuser’s actions to anyone who asks, including yourself…and then you use that excuse to beat yourself up for not feeling more loving toward your abuser?

Did you know that the people we choose to be in relationship with as adults are often those most similar in core personality to those who hurt us? Yes, that’s because we unconsciously try to resolve the difficult prior relationship by interacting with a similar person, hoping to get a different result this time. P.S. Without third party intervention (usually therapy) and change on both your parts, this doesn’t work.

Do you suspect you are not a “good” person unless you manage to forgive the unforgivable, but fear that you might be a “bad” person for letting yourself be abused in the first place?

This is the conundrum – the mixed-up part – of having been abused. If you see the matter in black & white now that you’re a grown up, what you need is a new pair of glasses. Maybe not rose-colored, but certainly capable of seeing the situation fully. Read on… Continue reading

Everyone talks about “surviving” abuse, getting “through” it, getting “past it”. Some even talk about learning to forgive our abusers. But what happens after all that?

What happens once you finally escape an abuser?

What do you do when you wake up a year or ten years later and realize the impact of the abuse still lingers in your heart and soul? Or that it still secretly directs the way you think about yourself and others?

  • The little boy inside who remembers being beaten up – or helplessly watching someone hurt the people he loves
  • The little girl inside who remembers with conflicted emotion the sexual abuses perpetrated against her
  • The member of an abusive cult or “religion” that constantly waved the fear of death or divine punishment for any misdeed
  • The grown woman whose accuser justified his beatings by telling her she is bad, ugly or inadequate in some way.

You may be far away from those instances of abuse. You may be “safe” today. But the message embedded by abuse – that we are helpless, small, defenseless, inadequate, stupid or deeply unlovable – can crop up in the lives of victims and wreck havoc.

It can cause us to feel powerless in the world, secretly unable to cope. It may taint our ability to easily handle the relatively normal mishaps of adult life. It can cause us to abuse our bodies with drugs, food or alcohol. It may make us less alert to potential danger signals from people or places and thus cause us to be re-victimized. It may even cause us to ignore others being abused around us.

Some victims have even internalized the abuser’s harsh judgment and morphed it into a vicious inner critic that screams, “You deserve this! You are worthless!”

We don’t have to let past abuse command our present lives any longer. Here are some Continue reading